I've been thinking (since I'm such a treasure trove of experience, what with having 5 kids and used many parenting "methods"), I should post a series on parenting. 'Cause I'm an expert & my kids are perfect (she lies as her kids whine about finishing chores in the background).
Really, it's because I want parents to know some of the stuff your kids do that makes you crazy is normal, even necessary. And I want to spare you some grief by discussing some parenting experts whose methods are so-so and others who I think you could benefit from.
I'll start today with a quick overview of past & present methods or books I've followed and my recommendations.
On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Yeah, it's controversial. For good reason. It "worked" in the sense that I felt in control. However, issues. So many issues.
The combination of my fundamentalist upbringing (parent is ultimate authority, child is a sinner from birth & tries to manipulate the parent, early physical punishment) combined with the very black and white thinking Ezzo presents made for a horrible dynamic. I didn't hold my first baby enough because I was so concerned with following the schedule. I also have a condition called overactive letdown (undiagnosed until baby #3) that is made worse by following conventional breastfeeding advice. Combine that with the rigid clock-watching involved in Ezzo's method, and I had a very fussy baby who was constantly projectile vomiting (too much foremilk upsets the tummy) and consequently hungry, yet I'd let her cry until feeding time rolled around again, only to repeat the cycle. It was torture emotionally, but I was afraid I'd raise a selfish kid by giving in to her "demands."
In addition, Ezzo's credentials have been called into question.
My recommendation: Avoid, unless you're the type who can take a piece of good advice here & there, then mentally discard the rest. You'll likely ignore a lot of the book and pick up only a few tips, so consider what your time is worth before reading.
Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp
I got this when my oldest two were toddlers. I love the way Tripp consistently talks about connecting with your child's heart, getting to the heart issue of the behavior. The con is that it seems every negative behavior is labelled "sin." Kids can't just have a bad day.
Also, he advocates spanking, but he doesn't describe the whole process (to my recollection...it's been a while since I read it. Feel free to correct me!). I grew up in a home where "spanking" was any physical punishment applied to the buttocks. So, being hit with a belt, a custom paddle, a wooden spoon, a ping-pong paddle, or a hand on the butt or upper thighs (clothed or naked) was all spanking. In my opinion, if you're going to advocate spanking, you should be specific in your definition of the term. As much as I dislike Michael Pearl, at least he's explicit in his definition of "switching."
My recommendation: Cautiously recommend; while there is great emphasis on connecting with your child's heart, Tripp's view of dealing with children's wrongdoings is extremely punitive.
The Strong-Willed Child, Dr. James Dobson
My parents are Dobson fans & my mom had several of his parenting books. She passed this one on to me. Basically, his premise is if you get into a battle of wills with your child, you must win at all costs. He also advocates spanking at the first sign of defiance instead of waiting until a last resort. Because of this advice, I spanked early & often.
The problem I see with this is that you never know for certain what's going on in someone else's heart & mind. Add to that the fact you're dealing with children who do not have the same thought processes as adults and are still learning how to express their autonomy & feelings appropriately, and there's a huge chance you're going to misinterpret the child's motives.
In shades of Michael Pearl, Dobson also likens training your strong-willed child to training a dog.
My recommendation: Avoid; this book sets parents up for an adversarial relationship with their children.
Get Off Your Butt Parenting, aka Effective Practical Parenting (GOYBP or EPP), Joanne Davidson
Found this as an online resource after baby #3. Highly practical, extremely effective method that is a wake-up call to parents who expect to be able to sit on the couch & have their young children quietly and cheerfully follow instructions. (Guilty!) It emphasizes the importance of having a relationship with your child and advocates natural & imposed consequences. Great real-life scenarios & tips with examples of imposed consequences
My recommendation: Highly recommend. EPP tends toward imposing consequences but doesn't completely rule out punishment, so it's good for those transitioning from punitive parenting to positive or gentle parenting.
The 5 Love Languages of Children, Gary D. Chapman & Ross Campbell
The theory is that each individual has a primary love language that they "hear" love best: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, or Acts of Service. If a child feels insecure in the parent's love, s/he will act out. The parent learns to see the acting out as a signal to meet the child's need for unconditional love by communicating in that child's love language first, and addressing the negative behavior second. Using this method, I've found that once I've reaffirmed my love for the child acting out, s/he will apologize and make amends for the negative behavior without me having to do anything else.
My recommendation: Highly recommend as a resource to help understand your child. It's not primarily a "discipline" book, and as such, doesn't have a lot of tools to use from that aspect.
Your X-Year Old, by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg (a series from age 1-16)
According to Ames & Ilg (and the Gesell Institute) every child goes through developmental phases of equilibrium (where they cope well) and disequilibrium (where so much is happening in terms of development that they aren't able to cope well with normal disappointments). These phases tend to shift roughly every 6 months in the cycle of development. As a result, your child can go through the 3 1/2 year disequilibrium stage at age 3, 3.5, or 4, depending on his/her development. My barely 4 year old is currently exhibiting disequilibrium behaviors typical of 3 1/2, and my 5 1/2 year old is right on with the disequilibrium behaviors for that age. My oldest son didn't seem to have any equilibrium at all between 5 1/2 & 7. It just depends on the kid; these are simply typical developmental behaviors.
I haven't read every book in the series, but I found Your Six Year Old: Loving & Defiant to be invaluable. Six has been the hardest age I've had to deal with so far (and I have a tween, y'all!). So hard, in fact, that I've been dreading when my younger set gets there. If you can snag a copy from your local library, do it!
My recommendation: Highly recommend. In fact, I can't recommend it enough. Get your hands on a copy for your age child, somehow!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Eastern or Western?
If you've read this blog much at all, you've probably already figured I'm not a proponent of corporal punishment.
To be even more clear, I am a Christian who rejects the notion that our modern spanking methods were lifted directly from Scripture.
About 8 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of gentle parenting. Some great resources I found are Gentle Christian Mothers, Arms of Love Family Fellowship, Hermana Linda's Why Not Train A Child?, Dulce de leche, and Dare to Disciple.
One of my favorite resources (and not just because he's a male voice that other men in the über-patriarchal environment of Fundamentalist Christianity wouldn't disregard on anatomy alone) is Samuel Martin's Bible Child. I am incredibly impressed with his scholarship and tremendously appreciate the work he has put into researching this topic in particular. Not only does he publish his findings on his blog, he also provides a free e-book to anyone willing to take an honest look at Biblical discipline.
In this recent post, Sam explores the prejudices we can have toward things that are unpretentious or rustic, often conflating simplistic with inferior. Also specific to my background, ideas originating in the East were viewed with suspicion, whereas theories with Western origins were often accepted without scrutiny. Eastern practices were "improved" by overlaying or combining them with Western variants.
One (relatively minor) example of this was one of my Christian school teachers discussing the Bible passage, "O how I love thy law! It is my meditation all the day." She described meditation as keeping something constantly in your mind, "not that Eastern idea of meditation where you sit cross-legged and say, 'Om.'"
Even then, my mind boggled. Wasn't the Bible written in the East? And wouldn't it stand to reason when David wrote of meditating, it would look like the Ancient Jewish practice of meditation rather than simply keeping something in mind? (I'll grant that om is Hindi, and thus not likely something David or any other Bible patriarchs would've been familiar with!)
I've had to confront my ingrained prejudices and racism since I've begun honestly examining my beliefs. I've found there is much about the Bible that I was taught from a Western perspective that genuinely doesn't stand up to scrutiny.
It is always good to periodically re-evaluate our beliefs. Obviously, we learn as we grow and mature, so it makes sense that we come into deeper understanding of our values. We discard what we discover to be half-truths, and we explore our new grasp of wisdom.
We need not fear taking information from any source, so long as we carefully analyze it for Truth.
To be even more clear, I am a Christian who rejects the notion that our modern spanking methods were lifted directly from Scripture.
About 8 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of gentle parenting. Some great resources I found are Gentle Christian Mothers, Arms of Love Family Fellowship, Hermana Linda's Why Not Train A Child?, Dulce de leche, and Dare to Disciple.
One of my favorite resources (and not just because he's a male voice that other men in the über-patriarchal environment of Fundamentalist Christianity wouldn't disregard on anatomy alone) is Samuel Martin's Bible Child. I am incredibly impressed with his scholarship and tremendously appreciate the work he has put into researching this topic in particular. Not only does he publish his findings on his blog, he also provides a free e-book to anyone willing to take an honest look at Biblical discipline.
In this recent post, Sam explores the prejudices we can have toward things that are unpretentious or rustic, often conflating simplistic with inferior. Also specific to my background, ideas originating in the East were viewed with suspicion, whereas theories with Western origins were often accepted without scrutiny. Eastern practices were "improved" by overlaying or combining them with Western variants.
One (relatively minor) example of this was one of my Christian school teachers discussing the Bible passage, "O how I love thy law! It is my meditation all the day." She described meditation as keeping something constantly in your mind, "not that Eastern idea of meditation where you sit cross-legged and say, 'Om.'"
Even then, my mind boggled. Wasn't the Bible written in the East? And wouldn't it stand to reason when David wrote of meditating, it would look like the Ancient Jewish practice of meditation rather than simply keeping something in mind? (I'll grant that om is Hindi, and thus not likely something David or any other Bible patriarchs would've been familiar with!)
I've had to confront my ingrained prejudices and racism since I've begun honestly examining my beliefs. I've found there is much about the Bible that I was taught from a Western perspective that genuinely doesn't stand up to scrutiny.
It is always good to periodically re-evaluate our beliefs. Obviously, we learn as we grow and mature, so it makes sense that we come into deeper understanding of our values. We discard what we discover to be half-truths, and we explore our new grasp of wisdom.
We need not fear taking information from any source, so long as we carefully analyze it for Truth.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Irrelevant?
I know every stay at home parent can feel irrelevant when it comes to "the real world," whatever that means.
I was joking with my husband today that I needed to parody Relevant magazine and create an Irrelevant magazine for moms that contains random Tweet-like statements. Because I want to feel like I am relevant, even if it's with other people who share the same malaise I have.
I think part of my feelings result from a lot of life changes that piled up, one after the other. Some things I was in control of (getting married a dozen years ago), and some things, not so much (getting pregnant 3 months after the wedding and proceeding to have 5 kids in the next 10 years...yeah, I know what causes it).
I used to feel...useful, I guess. Like I made a difference in people's lives. Rewarded? Content? I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Fulfilled, maybe.
And now, I feel like...a maid. A cook. A family therapist who has her own mental health issues but is so busy with clients she doesn't take time for herself and is about to go ape-sh*t crazy on the next person who slouches through the door & starts complaining about something as mundane as their partner not doing the dishes.
Um, that may have been too much.
My point is, I feel overwhelmed with the combined monotony of menial tasks and the repetition needed to teach little ones how to behave like humans. I'm sorely tempted to record myself saying things like, "Treat your siblings the way you want to be treated." "Use manners at the dinner table." "Don't hit the dog!" "Don't hit/bite/throw things at your brother/sister!" "GENTLE HANDS, already!" and play them on a loop all day. Heck, if I did that, the recording could do my parenting for me while I actually clean the house!
I long for connections with people. I want to help others, whether it be physical or emotional support. I crave the rapport of a give-and-take relationship where we all put something in and we al get something out.
I have training and experience and gifts and ideas...but I'm not in a position to use them outside the home right now. That probably contributes to my feeling irrelevant.
There are opportunities for me to use my gifts at church...sort of. I mean, sure, I could play piano or keyboard for services and sing solos or in a praise group...if I could afford to hire a babysitter to watch 5 kids during rehearsals & then bring them to church to maintain order while I'm doing music.
Or I could teach Children's Church...to a bunch of other little kids + my own when what I really need is adult interaction to help keep my brain from atrophy.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want (need) to do something involving interaction with others, something that feeds their souls and mine.
I need to take care of my children, rather than pushing them off on others for the purposes of my own gratification or self-aggrandizement.
So I go to church, feeling like I'm wasting everyone's time when I wrangle kids, pass crayons or toy cars, shush childish voices with volume settings of loud and louder, and basically distract others while I miss whatever message I was supposed to hear from God. (Random aside: If God is a still, small voice, how does the Almighty expect parents of little ones to ever hear whatever message is trying to come through? Why can't God just shout over their noise like everybody else does?)
The rest of the time, I stay home, trying to teach little people how to pick up after themselves (over and over and over and freaking over), how to have patience (because I have it in spades, y'all - my middle name is Job, can't ya tell?), how to treat others kindly (because I'm never unkind when I yell in frustration), how to balance self-care and servanthood (because I have it nailed...and I never, EVER act like a martyr when I'm folding mountains of laundry and whine that I don't get time to do fun, stimulating, adult stuff with real people instead of these tiny, people-like leeches who, despite their adorableness, somehow suck all my time and energy from me).
Really taking a look at all of this, though, I am relevant. I am extremely relevant to my kids as their mom and to their dad as his wife. Perhaps, then, the issue is not so much being irrelevant as is it my own issues with needing approval.
Let me tell you, there is no approval from a child when you are enforcing "you make a mess, you clean it up." There is no approval from a child when you grab her just before she runs into the road to get something shiny. And there is no approval from anyone, ever, when you make vegan split-pea soup for dinner because that was all you could make with what was left in the pantry and crisper.
But being relevant? Yeah, I got that.
I was joking with my husband today that I needed to parody Relevant magazine and create an Irrelevant magazine for moms that contains random Tweet-like statements. Because I want to feel like I am relevant, even if it's with other people who share the same malaise I have.
I think part of my feelings result from a lot of life changes that piled up, one after the other. Some things I was in control of (getting married a dozen years ago), and some things, not so much (getting pregnant 3 months after the wedding and proceeding to have 5 kids in the next 10 years...yeah, I know what causes it).
I used to feel...useful, I guess. Like I made a difference in people's lives. Rewarded? Content? I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Fulfilled, maybe.
And now, I feel like...a maid. A cook. A family therapist who has her own mental health issues but is so busy with clients she doesn't take time for herself and is about to go ape-sh*t crazy on the next person who slouches through the door & starts complaining about something as mundane as their partner not doing the dishes.
Um, that may have been too much.
My point is, I feel overwhelmed with the combined monotony of menial tasks and the repetition needed to teach little ones how to behave like humans. I'm sorely tempted to record myself saying things like, "Treat your siblings the way you want to be treated." "Use manners at the dinner table." "Don't hit the dog!" "Don't hit/bite/throw things at your brother/sister!" "GENTLE HANDS, already!" and play them on a loop all day. Heck, if I did that, the recording could do my parenting for me while I actually clean the house!
I long for connections with people. I want to help others, whether it be physical or emotional support. I crave the rapport of a give-and-take relationship where we all put something in and we al get something out.
I have training and experience and gifts and ideas...but I'm not in a position to use them outside the home right now. That probably contributes to my feeling irrelevant.
There are opportunities for me to use my gifts at church...sort of. I mean, sure, I could play piano or keyboard for services and sing solos or in a praise group...if I could afford to hire a babysitter to watch 5 kids during rehearsals & then bring them to church to maintain order while I'm doing music.
Or I could teach Children's Church...to a bunch of other little kids + my own when what I really need is adult interaction to help keep my brain from atrophy.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want (need) to do something involving interaction with others, something that feeds their souls and mine.
I need to take care of my children, rather than pushing them off on others for the purposes of my own gratification or self-aggrandizement.
So I go to church, feeling like I'm wasting everyone's time when I wrangle kids, pass crayons or toy cars, shush childish voices with volume settings of loud and louder, and basically distract others while I miss whatever message I was supposed to hear from God. (Random aside: If God is a still, small voice, how does the Almighty expect parents of little ones to ever hear whatever message is trying to come through? Why can't God just shout over their noise like everybody else does?)
The rest of the time, I stay home, trying to teach little people how to pick up after themselves (over and over and over and freaking over), how to have patience (because I have it in spades, y'all - my middle name is Job, can't ya tell?), how to treat others kindly (because I'm never unkind when I yell in frustration), how to balance self-care and servanthood (because I have it nailed...and I never, EVER act like a martyr when I'm folding mountains of laundry and whine that I don't get time to do fun, stimulating, adult stuff with real people instead of these tiny, people-like leeches who, despite their adorableness, somehow suck all my time and energy from me).
Really taking a look at all of this, though, I am relevant. I am extremely relevant to my kids as their mom and to their dad as his wife. Perhaps, then, the issue is not so much being irrelevant as is it my own issues with needing approval.
Let me tell you, there is no approval from a child when you are enforcing "you make a mess, you clean it up." There is no approval from a child when you grab her just before she runs into the road to get something shiny. And there is no approval from anyone, ever, when you make vegan split-pea soup for dinner because that was all you could make with what was left in the pantry and crisper.
But being relevant? Yeah, I got that.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Choosing Relationships Over Being Right
I don't know about you, but I love the feeling of superiority that comes with being right. The "I'm better than you because I know more" high. The feeling of being worthy.
And because of that, I can focus too much on dichotomies: picking a side and debating it, even if it really doesn't matter.
I've had to work very hard at not being obnoxiously dogmatic when stating my opinion. I'm a naturally passionate person, and when you combine that with the black-and-white thinking I was raised with, you get some serious arrogance.
Time has mellowed me. I've learned that not everything is black and white. I've learned that issues often have many, many more than two sides. And I've changed my mind about a lot of things.
For instance, I've embraced panentheism. I support gay rights. I am politically pro-choice while remaining personally pro-life. I believe women can be pastors. I believe in an egalitarian view of marriage. I am leaning toward a universalist view of salvation. I practice gentle, grace-based discipline. I believe in theistic evolution. Any of which could get me labelled a heretic at my current church. Or a liberal. (They're the same, you know.)
So, why do I attend a church that on the surface is so at odds with my personal views?
I value people and relationships over being right.
The people at my church love me. They care about me as an individual much more than my stance on issues. And I love and respect them enough to let them believe and live their convictions without trying to change them.
When someone is saying something incredibly narrow-minded (like, "A real Christian can't believe in evolution."), yes, I will speak up. I say something like, "Just because someone has read the Bible and come to a different conclusion than you doesn't make them any less Christian. If they love God and love the Bible, they are your brother or sister in Christ, even if you differ in your beliefs in this area."
I most certainly have confronted those who I believe are damaging in their dogmatism, but not to prove I am right. Frankly, I'm not certain I am right about anything, anymore! I just point out that there are people and feelings involved, and denigrating someone else's convictions because they differ from your own (whether based on your interpretation of the Bible or simply personal opinion) is inappropriate, at best. At the very least, that attitude of "I'm right and they're wrong" is not humble; it's not exemplifying the spirit of being wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Because life is not about being right. It's about how you relate to others - whether you agree with them, or not.
And because of that, I can focus too much on dichotomies: picking a side and debating it, even if it really doesn't matter.
I've had to work very hard at not being obnoxiously dogmatic when stating my opinion. I'm a naturally passionate person, and when you combine that with the black-and-white thinking I was raised with, you get some serious arrogance.
Time has mellowed me. I've learned that not everything is black and white. I've learned that issues often have many, many more than two sides. And I've changed my mind about a lot of things.
For instance, I've embraced panentheism. I support gay rights. I am politically pro-choice while remaining personally pro-life. I believe women can be pastors. I believe in an egalitarian view of marriage. I am leaning toward a universalist view of salvation. I practice gentle, grace-based discipline. I believe in theistic evolution. Any of which could get me labelled a heretic at my current church. Or a liberal. (They're the same, you know.)
So, why do I attend a church that on the surface is so at odds with my personal views?
I value people and relationships over being right.
The people at my church love me. They care about me as an individual much more than my stance on issues. And I love and respect them enough to let them believe and live their convictions without trying to change them.
When someone is saying something incredibly narrow-minded (like, "A real Christian can't believe in evolution."), yes, I will speak up. I say something like, "Just because someone has read the Bible and come to a different conclusion than you doesn't make them any less Christian. If they love God and love the Bible, they are your brother or sister in Christ, even if you differ in your beliefs in this area."
I most certainly have confronted those who I believe are damaging in their dogmatism, but not to prove I am right. Frankly, I'm not certain I am right about anything, anymore! I just point out that there are people and feelings involved, and denigrating someone else's convictions because they differ from your own (whether based on your interpretation of the Bible or simply personal opinion) is inappropriate, at best. At the very least, that attitude of "I'm right and they're wrong" is not humble; it's not exemplifying the spirit of being wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Because life is not about being right. It's about how you relate to others - whether you agree with them, or not.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
You're Beautiful...Just the Way You Are!
You're beautiful. Did you know that? Has anyone ever told you?
You are. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way. What's absolutely contemptible is that at some point in your life, someone tried to hide or change the thing that is most beautiful about you.
I see it in my childhood. I talked too much and too loudly, I moved my hands too much when I talked, my voice was too sing-songy, too high-pitched. (I decided the last two on my own after hearing recordings of myself.) I was fat (really, I wasn't; I have a rounder body type, but my weight was in the normal range). I was ugly - that random kid at camp told me so when I was 8 years old.
I learned those lessons well. It wasn't until I was in high school, suffering with constant sore throats that I decided to pitch my voice higher. I sing in the soprano range, but I was speaking consistently near A below middle C. No wonder my throat was sore!
I spoke in a near-monotone unless I was reading; then I was super-expressive. Teachers loved having me read aloud. My kids still love hearing me read because I give each character its own voice - like radio theater! It's a lot of fun for me, too. But it wasn't until recently that I allowed myself to be expressive in my daily speech. In fact, when I first began speaking with my (natural) lilt, my oldest son thought I was making fun of him!
I did struggle with weight in 6th grade, but I'd lost 20 lbs. by 8th grade. I steadily gained weight throughout high school, but I was still within normal limits and wore a size 8. I now am a size 12, which isn't bad for a mom to 5 with no time for any kind of regular exercise. I am truly content with the shape my body is in at this stage of my life.
I did internalize the ugly comment. I wore glasses, and I felt plain. I look back now at pictures from my childhood, and gosh, I was so stinkin' CUTE! I mean, truly adorable.
I have had to work at feeling beautiful. I took negative comments and false beliefs and let them define me. Perhaps you've done the same?
No more! I am living the truth of who God made me to be. I am effervescent. I am gregarious. I am fun. I am a superb storyteller. And you know what? I'm pretty darn cute, with my purple glasses, trendy haircut, and warm, welcoming grin that invites others to come laugh with me!
I am beautiful.
What I want is for you to revel in the truth of who God made you to be, too. You may have been told you are too this or too that. You need to "tone it down" or "lighten up." NO! God made you perfectly you; to water down your personality because someone else said to do so is a complete travesty.
I don't know if you're into affirmations, but if you are, I want you to write affirmations for those areas you were told to change and say them for a week. See if you notice a difference! Immerse yourself in the truth of who you were meant to be. Stop letting others' opinions define the choices you make in how you live your life.
Because you? You are beautiful. Just the way you are!
You are. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way. What's absolutely contemptible is that at some point in your life, someone tried to hide or change the thing that is most beautiful about you.
I see it in my childhood. I talked too much and too loudly, I moved my hands too much when I talked, my voice was too sing-songy, too high-pitched. (I decided the last two on my own after hearing recordings of myself.) I was fat (really, I wasn't; I have a rounder body type, but my weight was in the normal range). I was ugly - that random kid at camp told me so when I was 8 years old.
I learned those lessons well. It wasn't until I was in high school, suffering with constant sore throats that I decided to pitch my voice higher. I sing in the soprano range, but I was speaking consistently near A below middle C. No wonder my throat was sore!
I spoke in a near-monotone unless I was reading; then I was super-expressive. Teachers loved having me read aloud. My kids still love hearing me read because I give each character its own voice - like radio theater! It's a lot of fun for me, too. But it wasn't until recently that I allowed myself to be expressive in my daily speech. In fact, when I first began speaking with my (natural) lilt, my oldest son thought I was making fun of him!
I did struggle with weight in 6th grade, but I'd lost 20 lbs. by 8th grade. I steadily gained weight throughout high school, but I was still within normal limits and wore a size 8. I now am a size 12, which isn't bad for a mom to 5 with no time for any kind of regular exercise. I am truly content with the shape my body is in at this stage of my life.
I did internalize the ugly comment. I wore glasses, and I felt plain. I look back now at pictures from my childhood, and gosh, I was so stinkin' CUTE! I mean, truly adorable.
I have had to work at feeling beautiful. I took negative comments and false beliefs and let them define me. Perhaps you've done the same?
No more! I am living the truth of who God made me to be. I am effervescent. I am gregarious. I am fun. I am a superb storyteller. And you know what? I'm pretty darn cute, with my purple glasses, trendy haircut, and warm, welcoming grin that invites others to come laugh with me!
I am beautiful.
What I want is for you to revel in the truth of who God made you to be, too. You may have been told you are too this or too that. You need to "tone it down" or "lighten up." NO! God made you perfectly you; to water down your personality because someone else said to do so is a complete travesty.
I don't know if you're into affirmations, but if you are, I want you to write affirmations for those areas you were told to change and say them for a week. See if you notice a difference! Immerse yourself in the truth of who you were meant to be. Stop letting others' opinions define the choices you make in how you live your life.
Because you? You are beautiful. Just the way you are!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Finding My Voice
I apologize for the hiatus from blogging. (I'm sure you were waiting with bated breath for my next post, weren't you? No? OK, then.)
Frankly, I think I set myself up for failure with my grandiose idea of blogging about "finding God in my life and parenting."
Because God is omnipresent, so I don't have to really find the Almighty, y'know?
Because I am a random person and the thought of having to make my posts fit into specific parameters is kinda soul-sucking. (And boring. Which makes me rather unenthusiastic about writing.)
Because my life is crazy and fun and messy and sometimes hair-pullingly frustrating and trying to make it into something serious and/or inspirational is not working for me.
And finally, because I am still trying to find my voice. I still (in my mid-thirties) am discovering who I am. Maybe you can relate?
See, I grew up in Fundamentalist Christianity. I had no voice. As a child, I was ruled by adults who mostly loved me, but believed they were my "God-given authority" to dictate who I was to be.
I went to a Fundamentalist university, where (again) I was under the authority of "God-given leadership" who dictated how I dressed, where I went, and what I did.
I married and attended Fundamentalist churches. I was under the authority of my husband, and gracious, loving submission (code for subservience) was the litmus test of how good a wife I was.
Perhaps (un)surprisingly, I carry some baggage from that. I find it extremely difficult to speak up appropriately. I sound as if I'm making a suggestion, or else I come across as rude and demanding. Finding my voice will require the practice of actually using it.
Also, my writing style wasn't true to me. I was taught very well how to write in a semi-formal style, so others would take me and my words seriously. There is nothing wrong with writing that way, but this is a blog, for cryin' out loud.
My blog.
My words.
My voice.
I have gone from being voiceless to trying to imitate others' voices. I've learned I'm no prophetic Sarah Bessey, nor warrior-poet Preston Yancey, nor exhorter Rachel Held Evans, nor truth-proclaimer Elizabeth Esther.
I'm me. My purpose, my voice, my calling is different.
I empathize. I encourage.
I scatter sunshine like fairy dust to life's dark corners. I breathe hope into the gloomy dungeons of desolation. I buttress wavering faith and weave gold threads into the damaged tapestries of relationship.
How that works as a blog? I have no clue. None.
But that's ok. I promise -to you, my readers and to myself- that I will use my voice, follow my calling from now on.
I hope you enjoy reading the real me.
Sincerely,
Korrine Britton
Frankly, I think I set myself up for failure with my grandiose idea of blogging about "finding God in my life and parenting."
Because God is omnipresent, so I don't have to really find the Almighty, y'know?
Because I am a random person and the thought of having to make my posts fit into specific parameters is kinda soul-sucking. (And boring. Which makes me rather unenthusiastic about writing.)
Because my life is crazy and fun and messy and sometimes hair-pullingly frustrating and trying to make it into something serious and/or inspirational is not working for me.
And finally, because I am still trying to find my voice. I still (in my mid-thirties) am discovering who I am. Maybe you can relate?
See, I grew up in Fundamentalist Christianity. I had no voice. As a child, I was ruled by adults who mostly loved me, but believed they were my "God-given authority" to dictate who I was to be.
I went to a Fundamentalist university, where (again) I was under the authority of "God-given leadership" who dictated how I dressed, where I went, and what I did.
I married and attended Fundamentalist churches. I was under the authority of my husband, and gracious, loving submission (code for subservience) was the litmus test of how good a wife I was.
Perhaps (un)surprisingly, I carry some baggage from that. I find it extremely difficult to speak up appropriately. I sound as if I'm making a suggestion, or else I come across as rude and demanding. Finding my voice will require the practice of actually using it.
Also, my writing style wasn't true to me. I was taught very well how to write in a semi-formal style, so others would take me and my words seriously. There is nothing wrong with writing that way, but this is a blog, for cryin' out loud.
My blog.
My words.
My voice.
I have gone from being voiceless to trying to imitate others' voices. I've learned I'm no prophetic Sarah Bessey, nor warrior-poet Preston Yancey, nor exhorter Rachel Held Evans, nor truth-proclaimer Elizabeth Esther.
I'm me. My purpose, my voice, my calling is different.
I empathize. I encourage.
I scatter sunshine like fairy dust to life's dark corners. I breathe hope into the gloomy dungeons of desolation. I buttress wavering faith and weave gold threads into the damaged tapestries of relationship.
How that works as a blog? I have no clue. None.
But that's ok. I promise -to you, my readers and to myself- that I will use my voice, follow my calling from now on.
I hope you enjoy reading the real me.
Sincerely,
Korrine Britton
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Forgive us as we forgive others
God has forgiven me of much. I am a former child abuser. Never having been reported to CPS or never having a record of my crimes does not change the truth. Yes, I have sought help, and yes, I have changed by the grace of God. Although my past doesn't dictate my future, my present doesn't erase my past.
I realize not all parents are abuse survivors who struggle with breaking the cycle of abuse. But we all struggle with forgiveness from time to time.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in our injuries, the slights and disrespect toward us that we fail to see how we have injured and disrespected others.
Yes, we are all broken people. No, I am not excusing those who intentionally hurt or abuse others physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, or otherwise.
I think, though, that we often have an unrealistic view of forgiveness. Somehow, we've gotten the message that forgiveness not only erases a debt, it obligates us to continue to put ourselves in situations where we can again be hurt or taken advantage of. Such is not the case.
Forgiveness means forgiving a debt. When someone has wronged me and I choose to forgive, I am releasing that individual from the obligation I feel they owe me. I am choosing not to let resentment over that obligation build, and I am choosing to move on from the situation. I am NOT ignoring any damage that was done, and I am NOT going to put open myself to being wronged again, especially if that individual is in a pattern of abuse.
I have found that forgiveness, especially in cases where I have been deeply wronged, is a process. I have to continue to choose forgiveness instead of resentment. I must choose to erase the debt instead of expecting certain behaviors or responses from the offender.
I find, though, that I am quick to seek forgiveness and grace for myself, and quick to seek justice for others' wrongs against me.
The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 always speaks to me.
Christ tells of a king who was taking account of his servants. One servant owed the king 10,000 talents. We have no idea whether the talents were gold or silver, but frankly, it doesn't matter. A talent is 57 pounds, which means in today's market, the servant owed $896,610,000 in gold or $16,530,000 in silver. For most of us, that is an unpayable debt!
The servant resorted to his only recourse: begging for mercy and promising that he would pay the debt over time. The gracious king forgave the servant's debt, no strings attached.
The relieved servant went out from the king's presence and chanced upon another servant. The second servant owed (from what I can deduce) something akin to $4,100 to the first servant. While still a lot of money to most of us, it is a debt that could realistically be repaid.
One would think the first servant, high off his recent experience with grace, would be anxious to share such mercy with his peer. Instead, he grabbed the other by the throat and demanded immediate restitution! When the second man couldn't immediately come up with the funds, the first had him thrown into debtor's prison.
The other servants saw this injustice and told their king. The king immediately called the first man to him and reminded him of the great debt that had been forgiven, and asked why the servant had not had compassion on his own debtor. Apparently, the king was so angry, he rescinded his forgiveness of the original debt and delivered the unforgiving servant to jail.
This is where the phrase "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" comes into play.
I think the take away from this parable is not just the injustice of being forgiven and refusing to forgive, but it's also how we forgive (or don't) affects how God forgives us.
That's a mind-bending concept.
One is tends to think that a gracious God forgives because He is gracious. We often forget that God is also a Being of justice.
Why, then, should I harshly punish my children for slights against me (back talk, failure to follow instructions, etc.) when God has forgiven me of so much more? Why do I expect those who have offended me to come groveling in humility while I too often wave my hand or roll my eyes when confronted with my own offenses?
"Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Help me to remember the debt I owe You, and let it soften my responses to others.
I realize not all parents are abuse survivors who struggle with breaking the cycle of abuse. But we all struggle with forgiveness from time to time.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in our injuries, the slights and disrespect toward us that we fail to see how we have injured and disrespected others.
Yes, we are all broken people. No, I am not excusing those who intentionally hurt or abuse others physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, or otherwise.
I think, though, that we often have an unrealistic view of forgiveness. Somehow, we've gotten the message that forgiveness not only erases a debt, it obligates us to continue to put ourselves in situations where we can again be hurt or taken advantage of. Such is not the case.
Forgiveness means forgiving a debt. When someone has wronged me and I choose to forgive, I am releasing that individual from the obligation I feel they owe me. I am choosing not to let resentment over that obligation build, and I am choosing to move on from the situation. I am NOT ignoring any damage that was done, and I am NOT going to put open myself to being wronged again, especially if that individual is in a pattern of abuse.
I have found that forgiveness, especially in cases where I have been deeply wronged, is a process. I have to continue to choose forgiveness instead of resentment. I must choose to erase the debt instead of expecting certain behaviors or responses from the offender.
I find, though, that I am quick to seek forgiveness and grace for myself, and quick to seek justice for others' wrongs against me.
The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 always speaks to me.
Christ tells of a king who was taking account of his servants. One servant owed the king 10,000 talents. We have no idea whether the talents were gold or silver, but frankly, it doesn't matter. A talent is 57 pounds, which means in today's market, the servant owed $896,610,000 in gold or $16,530,000 in silver. For most of us, that is an unpayable debt!
The servant resorted to his only recourse: begging for mercy and promising that he would pay the debt over time. The gracious king forgave the servant's debt, no strings attached.
The relieved servant went out from the king's presence and chanced upon another servant. The second servant owed (from what I can deduce) something akin to $4,100 to the first servant. While still a lot of money to most of us, it is a debt that could realistically be repaid.
One would think the first servant, high off his recent experience with grace, would be anxious to share such mercy with his peer. Instead, he grabbed the other by the throat and demanded immediate restitution! When the second man couldn't immediately come up with the funds, the first had him thrown into debtor's prison.
The other servants saw this injustice and told their king. The king immediately called the first man to him and reminded him of the great debt that had been forgiven, and asked why the servant had not had compassion on his own debtor. Apparently, the king was so angry, he rescinded his forgiveness of the original debt and delivered the unforgiving servant to jail.
This is where the phrase "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" comes into play.
I think the take away from this parable is not just the injustice of being forgiven and refusing to forgive, but it's also how we forgive (or don't) affects how God forgives us.
That's a mind-bending concept.
One is tends to think that a gracious God forgives because He is gracious. We often forget that God is also a Being of justice.
Why, then, should I harshly punish my children for slights against me (back talk, failure to follow instructions, etc.) when God has forgiven me of so much more? Why do I expect those who have offended me to come groveling in humility while I too often wave my hand or roll my eyes when confronted with my own offenses?
"Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Help me to remember the debt I owe You, and let it soften my responses to others.
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