I know I'm not posting regularly, so thanks to those of you who are sticking around!
To be honest, it's extremely difficult emotionally for me to look back at what I did in ignorance when I know now how damaging my choices were.
So, I've already made posts in this series here, here, and here if you want to catch up.
Two to three years old is still a time of tremendous growth in the child's brain. At this stage, kids are starting to make the connections between objects (matching pairs, assembling small puzzles, understanding that numbers have value, etc.), showing rudimentary logic, and understanding sequence. It is at this age, you child might be able to follow a set of two instructions, such as, "First, pick up your Legos, then get your shoes." It is more likely your child won't consistently be able to do both tasks without reminders or help, but this ability is beginning.
The most important thing parents need to realize about this age is that two year olds' flawed understanding of cause-and-effect leads them to believe that everything that happens is a result of an action on the part of the child. For instance, your child may say, "I looked at this book, and then the mail came!" Consequently, s/he may express confusion when s/he looks at the same book the next day and the mail doesn't suddenly appear.
This age is also firmly rooted in the belief that "words are magic" and if they can come up with the right combination, what they're saying is absolutely true. For example, if your two year old spills a drink (because s/he wanted to carry it to the table "myself!"), s/he may blurt out, "I didn't spill that!"
From the parent's perspective, it's easy to conclude you have a little liar on your hands. However, your child isn't speaking an untruth to deceive you. S/he is trying (in his/her immature, child-like way) to actually fix what s/he's done! Instead of punishing your child, you can say, "Oh, no...accidents happen. I know you didn't spill on purpose, and you wish it didn't happen. Here's a towel; you can help me clean it up." This dialogue shows the child how to take responsibility while gently pointing out the difference between "I didn't spill that!" and "I didn't mean to spill that."
I have a two year old right now who has been disciplined in this manner. She will come running to me saying, "I need towel, Mommy! Clean my mess!" Obviously, being two, there are times when she tries to take care of things all by herself, and I find a towel carefully placed over spilled cereal or tracked in mud. I take great encouragement from those instances though, because she is showing independence and personal responsibility the best she can.
Reasoning doesn't work well with this age. Again, they believe they can cause any effect and are still learning to distinguish fantasy from reality. Therefore, punishments like time-outs aren't as effective as they appear. Twos are great with sequence, so they may write on a wall, then put themselves in time-out because that's what happened last time. They don't understand why they shouldn't write on the wall or that time-out is meant to be punishment. They are simply following a known sequence of events.
Sadly, two is the age when many parents begin spanking (if they haven't already). With so much cognitive development happening, twos behavior is illogical and erratic. Strict rules and physical punishments at this age can actually impair cognitive development and make kids more aggressive. Severe punishments can cause brain damage.
All the traditional Christian parenting advice I previously followed sets up a damaging paradigm in the home. Spanking and punishing children for a normal part of cognitive development isn't loving. I daresay, it even provokes in them angry exasperation. This in turn causes more behavior problems, followed by more punishment. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.
Instead, I encourage you to work with your child, not against him/her. The goal is not to "make" your child do this or that; the goal is to encourage your child to make the best choices s/he can at this age and give positive reinforcement when s/he succeeds.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Finding My Voice
For those of you who don't know, I grew up IFB. The Independent part of the name means there are some variations. For instance, I grew up believing the King James Version of the Bible was the best translation, but other translations of Scripture were tolerated. At my church, some kids went to Christian school, and some attended public school. Unfortunately, we Christian school kids thought we were "better" than the public school kids, but that attitude didn't come from the church leadership. We were in a rural community, so women wearing pants was a non-issue, although dresses and skirts were expected at church services.
The promotion of patriarchy and subsequent views on the silence and submission of women and the breaking of the will of the child seems to be pretty universal in the IFB, though.
As you can imagine, being a female child in a Christian Fundamentalist Cult is pretty devastating.
I am naturally gregarious and intellectual. I want to know the reasons why we do things. "Tradition," "the Bible says so," "because I said so," and "It's the right thing to do," are not satisfactory answers for me. I'm naturally transparent and open.
These attributes were shamed and squashed by the unreasonable gender roles and developmental expectations in the IFB cult.
I talked too much. (Women are to be silent in church & children are to blindly obey their parents.)
I asked too many questions. (Questions meant I was "questioning authority.")
I shared too much. (Truth is a liability in a cult!)
I was too smart for my own good. (I picked up on inconsistencies between what was preached and what was practiced.)
I expected to be treated like an equal. (Clearly, I was inferior and didn't know my place.)
I am learning to find my voice again, after being beaten into silence in word and deed. And it's hard. It's terrifying.
But after the shouts of patriarchy drowning my voice, insisting on my silence, I am hearing men telling me that not only can I speak, I must speak.
My husband, reaffirming countless times, "I want to know what you're thinking. You have good insights, and your opinion is important to me."
A brilliant author of prose and poetry who responded via social media to my throwaway comment that speaking out was a mix of terror and elation, "Then you know you're doing it right."
A pastor who not only asked my opinion regarding a particular church ministry, but also took me seriously and asked me to please work on speaking my mind more often instead of trying to placate me.
So, I am speaking, despite my terror, despite the possibility I will again be told to be quiet. Here is my voice.
I don't know how
to express myself
without sounding
whiny
demanding
ungrateful
bitter.
Or something else I'm not
supposed to be.
Because I'm a woman,
I'm supposed to be
quiet
submissive (subservient)
meek
pleasant (always)
undemanding
receptive.
But when I express myself, I'm
Loud
Brash
Determined
Real
Opinionated
Fun(ny)
Crass
or (heaven forbid) ANGRY.
God is not embarrassed
by my expressions of emotion
or my questions.
God shares my RAGE
against victimization
injustice
abuse.
So listen.
Just listen
to my words.
Don't police my tone.
You haven't felt
the whip of injustice
or
the helpless
voiceless
emptiness
of abuse.
Listen.
Just
listen.
The promotion of patriarchy and subsequent views on the silence and submission of women and the breaking of the will of the child seems to be pretty universal in the IFB, though.
As you can imagine, being a female child in a Christian Fundamentalist Cult is pretty devastating.
I am naturally gregarious and intellectual. I want to know the reasons why we do things. "Tradition," "the Bible says so," "because I said so," and "It's the right thing to do," are not satisfactory answers for me. I'm naturally transparent and open.
These attributes were shamed and squashed by the unreasonable gender roles and developmental expectations in the IFB cult.
I talked too much. (Women are to be silent in church & children are to blindly obey their parents.)
I asked too many questions. (Questions meant I was "questioning authority.")
I shared too much. (Truth is a liability in a cult!)
I was too smart for my own good. (I picked up on inconsistencies between what was preached and what was practiced.)
I expected to be treated like an equal. (Clearly, I was inferior and didn't know my place.)
I am learning to find my voice again, after being beaten into silence in word and deed. And it's hard. It's terrifying.
But after the shouts of patriarchy drowning my voice, insisting on my silence, I am hearing men telling me that not only can I speak, I must speak.
My husband, reaffirming countless times, "I want to know what you're thinking. You have good insights, and your opinion is important to me."
A brilliant author of prose and poetry who responded via social media to my throwaway comment that speaking out was a mix of terror and elation, "Then you know you're doing it right."
A pastor who not only asked my opinion regarding a particular church ministry, but also took me seriously and asked me to please work on speaking my mind more often instead of trying to placate me.
So, I am speaking, despite my terror, despite the possibility I will again be told to be quiet. Here is my voice.
I don't know how
to express myself
without sounding
whiny
demanding
ungrateful
bitter.
Or something else I'm not
supposed to be.
Because I'm a woman,
I'm supposed to be
quiet
submissive (subservient)
meek
pleasant (always)
undemanding
receptive.
But when I express myself, I'm
Loud
Brash
Determined
Real
Opinionated
Fun(ny)
Crass
or (heaven forbid) ANGRY.
God is not embarrassed
by my expressions of emotion
or my questions.
God shares my RAGE
against victimization
injustice
abuse.
So listen.
Just listen
to my words.
Don't police my tone.
You haven't felt
the whip of injustice
or
the helpless
voiceless
emptiness
of abuse.
Listen.
Just
listen.
Parenting: 1 to 2 years
I'm discussing my successes and failures with various Christian parenting methods.
As stated here and here, I used punitive discipline methods touted by Dobson, Tripp, and Ezzo, who are popular in Christian circles for my oldest two children. Starting with my third child, I began to transition toward attachment parenting and gentle discipline.
This post touches a bit on child development from ages 1-2 and the effects both punitive discipline and gentle discipline have on a child.
There is a huge amount of cognitive and emotional development that happens between ages 1 and 2. Your baby is growing into a toddler! Learning language! Refining motor skills!
At this age, your child is learning that s/he is an autonomous being separate from mom or dad. This can cause a lot of anxiety and because language is still in the early stages, often results in either clinginess or tantrums (sometimes both!) when the child gets overwhelmed.
Punitive discipline methods teach parents to view such reactions as evidence of the child's sin nature. From this vantage point, a tantrum or clinginess is a child's desire to manipulate his or her parent(s) into conforming to the will of the child.
Such "dictatorial" behavior must not be allowed in the authoritarian punitive paradigm, or the child "wins." Therefore, a parent who subscribes wholly to the methods espoused by Dobson and Ezzo particularly (and to a lesser extent, Tripp) focuses on changing the child's undesirable behavior without regard to the cause of such behavior.
As you can imagine, spanking (hitting) or even isolating an anxious child is going to make the anxiety worse. Each incident will either escalate, with the child growing more and more frantic and the parent increasing the level of punishment, or the child will eventually shut down his or her emotions once s/he realizes only certain feelings are allowed to be expressed.
In the gentle discipline approach, teaching (discipline) happens through modeling, conversation, and natural or applied consequences that do not involve hurting or punishing the child. So given the above scenario of a clingy child or one in the throes of a tantrum, a parenting ascribing to gentle discipline would first attempt to figure out the cause of the unwanted behavior in order to meet the child's needs, and then address the behavior.
For instance, if a child is being clingy, holding onto the parent's leg and screaming loudly, the parent would first pick up or sit down with the child to calm him or her. The parent may say something like, "I see you're really upset (or sad, or angry - whatever is accurate). Are you afraid I'm going to leave you alone?" The child may answer verbally or signal with a head shake whether this is so. The parent would then reassure the child of love and security; if the parent is indeed leaving the child with a sitter, the parent will reiterate that the baby sitter is a safe person, acknowledge that saying goodbye even for a little while is hard, and give the child a specific reminder for the time the parent will return, like "after your nap."
In the gentle discipline paradigm, there is no correction needed, because the child's behavior is normal and age-appropriate. S/he will outgrow tantrums as more language skills and understanding of time and place are assimilated.
Many people raised with the idea that all discipline is corporal punishment balk at the idea of letting a youngster's behavior go unchecked. They erroneously believe that this teaches young children their behavior can be used to manipulate others. I know I believed I would actually damage my children socially by not physically disciplining them.
Studies are showing and continue to show that the opposite is in fact true. Physical punishment (hitting, spanking, switching, belting, smacking, etc.) has been shown to retard the growth of grey matter in the brain, potentially decreasing intelligence and even increasing the risk of mental illness. Spanking causes increased aggression and devalues both parent and child.
In my own experience, I saw that my spanked children feared me. They often behaved perfectly appropriately and followed instructions immediately. But they were like automatons. Their imaginative play became stunted. Instead of the elaborate scenarios they used to act out that were variations on a theme, they played the same scene over and over, almost like the movie Groundhog Day. Their nightmares increased. And when they did show inappropriate behavior or tantrums, it was huge, over-the-top, utter meltdown behavior.
My children who were parented gently were more work. Yes, it's much easier to threaten and smack than to work through a situation and try different solutions. But, my gently parented kids delighted in my presence instead of looking skittish. I enjoyed them more, too, because I saw their behavior as normal development rather than a personal affront to my parental authority. Our relationship was build on mutual respect instead of a hierarchy.
As stated here and here, I used punitive discipline methods touted by Dobson, Tripp, and Ezzo, who are popular in Christian circles for my oldest two children. Starting with my third child, I began to transition toward attachment parenting and gentle discipline.
This post touches a bit on child development from ages 1-2 and the effects both punitive discipline and gentle discipline have on a child.
There is a huge amount of cognitive and emotional development that happens between ages 1 and 2. Your baby is growing into a toddler! Learning language! Refining motor skills!
At this age, your child is learning that s/he is an autonomous being separate from mom or dad. This can cause a lot of anxiety and because language is still in the early stages, often results in either clinginess or tantrums (sometimes both!) when the child gets overwhelmed.
Punitive discipline methods teach parents to view such reactions as evidence of the child's sin nature. From this vantage point, a tantrum or clinginess is a child's desire to manipulate his or her parent(s) into conforming to the will of the child.
Such "dictatorial" behavior must not be allowed in the authoritarian punitive paradigm, or the child "wins." Therefore, a parent who subscribes wholly to the methods espoused by Dobson and Ezzo particularly (and to a lesser extent, Tripp) focuses on changing the child's undesirable behavior without regard to the cause of such behavior.
As you can imagine, spanking (hitting) or even isolating an anxious child is going to make the anxiety worse. Each incident will either escalate, with the child growing more and more frantic and the parent increasing the level of punishment, or the child will eventually shut down his or her emotions once s/he realizes only certain feelings are allowed to be expressed.
In the gentle discipline approach, teaching (discipline) happens through modeling, conversation, and natural or applied consequences that do not involve hurting or punishing the child. So given the above scenario of a clingy child or one in the throes of a tantrum, a parenting ascribing to gentle discipline would first attempt to figure out the cause of the unwanted behavior in order to meet the child's needs, and then address the behavior.
For instance, if a child is being clingy, holding onto the parent's leg and screaming loudly, the parent would first pick up or sit down with the child to calm him or her. The parent may say something like, "I see you're really upset (or sad, or angry - whatever is accurate). Are you afraid I'm going to leave you alone?" The child may answer verbally or signal with a head shake whether this is so. The parent would then reassure the child of love and security; if the parent is indeed leaving the child with a sitter, the parent will reiterate that the baby sitter is a safe person, acknowledge that saying goodbye even for a little while is hard, and give the child a specific reminder for the time the parent will return, like "after your nap."
In the gentle discipline paradigm, there is no correction needed, because the child's behavior is normal and age-appropriate. S/he will outgrow tantrums as more language skills and understanding of time and place are assimilated.
Many people raised with the idea that all discipline is corporal punishment balk at the idea of letting a youngster's behavior go unchecked. They erroneously believe that this teaches young children their behavior can be used to manipulate others. I know I believed I would actually damage my children socially by not physically disciplining them.
Studies are showing and continue to show that the opposite is in fact true. Physical punishment (hitting, spanking, switching, belting, smacking, etc.) has been shown to retard the growth of grey matter in the brain, potentially decreasing intelligence and even increasing the risk of mental illness. Spanking causes increased aggression and devalues both parent and child.
In my own experience, I saw that my spanked children feared me. They often behaved perfectly appropriately and followed instructions immediately. But they were like automatons. Their imaginative play became stunted. Instead of the elaborate scenarios they used to act out that were variations on a theme, they played the same scene over and over, almost like the movie Groundhog Day. Their nightmares increased. And when they did show inappropriate behavior or tantrums, it was huge, over-the-top, utter meltdown behavior.
My children who were parented gently were more work. Yes, it's much easier to threaten and smack than to work through a situation and try different solutions. But, my gently parented kids delighted in my presence instead of looking skittish. I enjoyed them more, too, because I saw their behavior as normal development rather than a personal affront to my parental authority. Our relationship was build on mutual respect instead of a hierarchy.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Parenting: Newborn to 12 months
There is an axiom which states, "Children spell love T-I-M-E." This is true throughout childhood, but it is especially true for the baby.
Today, I'm writing about my experiences parenting 5 babies. I've moved from rigid scheduling to attachment parenting in the last decade.
As stated previously, when my oldest was born, I used Gary Ezzo's Babywise. Therefore, we had a very strict schedule of eating, sleeping, and play time. If my baby was hungry during play time, I waited until feeding time to nurse her. If my baby was sleepy during feeding time, I tried to force her to finish a nursing session. And if she wanted to play when it wasn't play time, I would respond with a firm, "NO." and try to force her to follow the schedule.
As a result of trying to get a baby to conform to my needs and routine instead of being flexible, I had a lot of anger and frustration toward my baby. Since Ezzo repeatedly warns the parents are teaching their child to be selfish if they bend even the slightest to the baby's will, I viewed my newborn as manipulative and strong willed.
I used prefold cloth diapers with pins, and I would instruct my baby to be still so I wouldn't poke her. If she squirmed, I would allow her to be poked, instead of placing my hand between her and the pin to keep her safe. I look back now, and I am so ashamed of myself and somewhat shocked that I thought a baby could understand and comply with an instruction like that. However, when I remember that I had the toxic mindset that babies are manipulative, selfish sinners and that Ezzo implies babies understand more than we think, my actions are understandable. Unforgivable and ridiculous, true, but understandable.
My second child was born 16 1/2 months after my first. He had some life-threatening health issues and was transported by ambulance to a hospital with a NICU hours after birth while I remained behind in the hospital where I delivered.
As a result of this traumatic event, I threw out almost everything that I'd done with my first baby and spent a lot of time playing with and holding both of my littles. I still responded punitively (smacking hands or diapered bottoms) to unwanted behaviors, BUT... my new little guy was obviously very sensitive, physically and emotionally. I could see shock and pain in his eyes when I smacked his hand or even when I firmly and loudly told him, "NO," for things like hair pulling or squirming during diaper changes. My oldest had responded with loud, angry cries, which I read as confirmation of her "rebellious spirit." (Extreme fundamentalist brainwashing will completely twist how you view normal behaviors.)
But the pain my little guy responded with...it broke my heart and made it obvious I'd have to be more gentle with him. Besides, with two kids in less than a year and a half, I was too exhausted to stick to a schedule. I was in survival mode.
I did still do my best to keep a fairly consistent sleep schedule for the littles, and honestly, I was very fortunate that they both slept well (and long) from very early on. My oldest began regularly sleeping 6 hours through the night at two weeks and my second did the same around four weeks. I later found out, this is not typical!
By the time baby 3 was born, I was learning about both gentle parenting and attachment parenting. I was also shedding a lot of my fundamentalist mindset, so the methods I'd used before were no longer appealing to me.
I was also aware that the methods I'd sworn by previously only worked because my kids were afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid...of me. Their mother. The one person in the world who is supposed to unconditionally love, nurture, and protect them.
The time I spent with them, just loving on them, reinforced to me that everything I'd done previously was counter-productive to building our relationship. Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." It was with great grief and moral conviction that I realized my own actions, however well-intentioned, had created a rift in my relationship with my children.
My third baby really drove this point home to me. With two other small children to care for, I chose to wear the new one in a wrap carrier. She spent much of her time snuggled in close to me while I fixed meals, folded laundry, pushed other children on swings, and went for walks. Nursing and naptime could also be accomplished in the wrap!
Honestly, she is a pretty high-maintenance gal, but she was so easy to care for at this time because her needs were met. And because her needs were met, there was a trust between us I'd not experienced with my older children. Because we were always in close proximity, I learned to trust her cues for feeding, sleeping, and playing. She trusted that I would meet her needs.
I've heard over and again how true love cannot exist without trust. How then, can we expect our tiniest children to understand love when we consistently and repeatedly break their trust by physically harming them when they do not comply with our wishes?
Minor infractions at this age are just that: minor. A "nip it in the bud" mentality will only serve to create disunity in your relationship.
Today, I'm writing about my experiences parenting 5 babies. I've moved from rigid scheduling to attachment parenting in the last decade.
As stated previously, when my oldest was born, I used Gary Ezzo's Babywise. Therefore, we had a very strict schedule of eating, sleeping, and play time. If my baby was hungry during play time, I waited until feeding time to nurse her. If my baby was sleepy during feeding time, I tried to force her to finish a nursing session. And if she wanted to play when it wasn't play time, I would respond with a firm, "NO." and try to force her to follow the schedule.
As a result of trying to get a baby to conform to my needs and routine instead of being flexible, I had a lot of anger and frustration toward my baby. Since Ezzo repeatedly warns the parents are teaching their child to be selfish if they bend even the slightest to the baby's will, I viewed my newborn as manipulative and strong willed.
I used prefold cloth diapers with pins, and I would instruct my baby to be still so I wouldn't poke her. If she squirmed, I would allow her to be poked, instead of placing my hand between her and the pin to keep her safe. I look back now, and I am so ashamed of myself and somewhat shocked that I thought a baby could understand and comply with an instruction like that. However, when I remember that I had the toxic mindset that babies are manipulative, selfish sinners and that Ezzo implies babies understand more than we think, my actions are understandable. Unforgivable and ridiculous, true, but understandable.
My second child was born 16 1/2 months after my first. He had some life-threatening health issues and was transported by ambulance to a hospital with a NICU hours after birth while I remained behind in the hospital where I delivered.
As a result of this traumatic event, I threw out almost everything that I'd done with my first baby and spent a lot of time playing with and holding both of my littles. I still responded punitively (smacking hands or diapered bottoms) to unwanted behaviors, BUT... my new little guy was obviously very sensitive, physically and emotionally. I could see shock and pain in his eyes when I smacked his hand or even when I firmly and loudly told him, "NO," for things like hair pulling or squirming during diaper changes. My oldest had responded with loud, angry cries, which I read as confirmation of her "rebellious spirit." (Extreme fundamentalist brainwashing will completely twist how you view normal behaviors.)
But the pain my little guy responded with...it broke my heart and made it obvious I'd have to be more gentle with him. Besides, with two kids in less than a year and a half, I was too exhausted to stick to a schedule. I was in survival mode.
I did still do my best to keep a fairly consistent sleep schedule for the littles, and honestly, I was very fortunate that they both slept well (and long) from very early on. My oldest began regularly sleeping 6 hours through the night at two weeks and my second did the same around four weeks. I later found out, this is not typical!
By the time baby 3 was born, I was learning about both gentle parenting and attachment parenting. I was also shedding a lot of my fundamentalist mindset, so the methods I'd used before were no longer appealing to me.
I was also aware that the methods I'd sworn by previously only worked because my kids were afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid...of me. Their mother. The one person in the world who is supposed to unconditionally love, nurture, and protect them.
The time I spent with them, just loving on them, reinforced to me that everything I'd done previously was counter-productive to building our relationship. Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." It was with great grief and moral conviction that I realized my own actions, however well-intentioned, had created a rift in my relationship with my children.
My third baby really drove this point home to me. With two other small children to care for, I chose to wear the new one in a wrap carrier. She spent much of her time snuggled in close to me while I fixed meals, folded laundry, pushed other children on swings, and went for walks. Nursing and naptime could also be accomplished in the wrap!
Honestly, she is a pretty high-maintenance gal, but she was so easy to care for at this time because her needs were met. And because her needs were met, there was a trust between us I'd not experienced with my older children. Because we were always in close proximity, I learned to trust her cues for feeding, sleeping, and playing. She trusted that I would meet her needs.
I've heard over and again how true love cannot exist without trust. How then, can we expect our tiniest children to understand love when we consistently and repeatedly break their trust by physically harming them when they do not comply with our wishes?
Minor infractions at this age are just that: minor. A "nip it in the bud" mentality will only serve to create disunity in your relationship.
For this age, the best discipline is teaching your child unconditional love. Respond to her needs. Snuggle with him. Play. Laugh. Take the time to enjoy each other's company.
You won't regret it.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Hello, there!
It's been over 7 months since I've posted.
So, hi, again!
I left off discussing child development & my negative experiences with a lot of popular Christian discipline methods. I will complete that, I promise. But I've been having to re-evaluate my current parenting, and I couldn't diffuse my focus enough to self-evaluate my past and present at the same time.
I hope to get back to posting more regularly, hopefully once a week. Maybe you'll even get a bonus post once in a while!
In the meantime, try to keep warm.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Parenting Methods
I've been thinking (since I'm such a treasure trove of experience, what with having 5 kids and used many parenting "methods"), I should post a series on parenting. 'Cause I'm an expert & my kids are perfect (she lies as her kids whine about finishing chores in the background).
Really, it's because I want parents to know some of the stuff your kids do that makes you crazy is normal, even necessary. And I want to spare you some grief by discussing some parenting experts whose methods are so-so and others who I think you could benefit from.
I'll start today with a quick overview of past & present methods or books I've followed and my recommendations.
On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Yeah, it's controversial. For good reason. It "worked" in the sense that I felt in control. However, issues. So many issues.
The combination of my fundamentalist upbringing (parent is ultimate authority, child is a sinner from birth & tries to manipulate the parent, early physical punishment) combined with the very black and white thinking Ezzo presents made for a horrible dynamic. I didn't hold my first baby enough because I was so concerned with following the schedule. I also have a condition called overactive letdown (undiagnosed until baby #3) that is made worse by following conventional breastfeeding advice. Combine that with the rigid clock-watching involved in Ezzo's method, and I had a very fussy baby who was constantly projectile vomiting (too much foremilk upsets the tummy) and consequently hungry, yet I'd let her cry until feeding time rolled around again, only to repeat the cycle. It was torture emotionally, but I was afraid I'd raise a selfish kid by giving in to her "demands."
In addition, Ezzo's credentials have been called into question.
My recommendation: Avoid, unless you're the type who can take a piece of good advice here & there, then mentally discard the rest. You'll likely ignore a lot of the book and pick up only a few tips, so consider what your time is worth before reading.
Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp
I got this when my oldest two were toddlers. I love the way Tripp consistently talks about connecting with your child's heart, getting to the heart issue of the behavior. The con is that it seems every negative behavior is labelled "sin." Kids can't just have a bad day.
Also, he advocates spanking, but he doesn't describe the whole process (to my recollection...it's been a while since I read it. Feel free to correct me!). I grew up in a home where "spanking" was any physical punishment applied to the buttocks. So, being hit with a belt, a custom paddle, a wooden spoon, a ping-pong paddle, or a hand on the butt or upper thighs (clothed or naked) was all spanking. In my opinion, if you're going to advocate spanking, you should be specific in your definition of the term. As much as I dislike Michael Pearl, at least he's explicit in his definition of "switching."
My recommendation: Cautiously recommend; while there is great emphasis on connecting with your child's heart, Tripp's view of dealing with children's wrongdoings is extremely punitive.
The Strong-Willed Child, Dr. James Dobson
My parents are Dobson fans & my mom had several of his parenting books. She passed this one on to me. Basically, his premise is if you get into a battle of wills with your child, you must win at all costs. He also advocates spanking at the first sign of defiance instead of waiting until a last resort. Because of this advice, I spanked early & often.
The problem I see with this is that you never know for certain what's going on in someone else's heart & mind. Add to that the fact you're dealing with children who do not have the same thought processes as adults and are still learning how to express their autonomy & feelings appropriately, and there's a huge chance you're going to misinterpret the child's motives.
In shades of Michael Pearl, Dobson also likens training your strong-willed child to training a dog.
My recommendation: Avoid; this book sets parents up for an adversarial relationship with their children.
Get Off Your Butt Parenting, aka Effective Practical Parenting (GOYBP or EPP), Joanne Davidson
Found this as an online resource after baby #3. Highly practical, extremely effective method that is a wake-up call to parents who expect to be able to sit on the couch & have their young children quietly and cheerfully follow instructions. (Guilty!) It emphasizes the importance of having a relationship with your child and advocates natural & imposed consequences. Great real-life scenarios & tips with examples of imposed consequences
My recommendation: Highly recommend. EPP tends toward imposing consequences but doesn't completely rule out punishment, so it's good for those transitioning from punitive parenting to positive or gentle parenting.
The 5 Love Languages of Children, Gary D. Chapman & Ross Campbell
The theory is that each individual has a primary love language that they "hear" love best: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, or Acts of Service. If a child feels insecure in the parent's love, s/he will act out. The parent learns to see the acting out as a signal to meet the child's need for unconditional love by communicating in that child's love language first, and addressing the negative behavior second. Using this method, I've found that once I've reaffirmed my love for the child acting out, s/he will apologize and make amends for the negative behavior without me having to do anything else.
My recommendation: Highly recommend as a resource to help understand your child. It's not primarily a "discipline" book, and as such, doesn't have a lot of tools to use from that aspect.
Your X-Year Old, by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg (a series from age 1-16)
According to Ames & Ilg (and the Gesell Institute) every child goes through developmental phases of equilibrium (where they cope well) and disequilibrium (where so much is happening in terms of development that they aren't able to cope well with normal disappointments). These phases tend to shift roughly every 6 months in the cycle of development. As a result, your child can go through the 3 1/2 year disequilibrium stage at age 3, 3.5, or 4, depending on his/her development. My barely 4 year old is currently exhibiting disequilibrium behaviors typical of 3 1/2, and my 5 1/2 year old is right on with the disequilibrium behaviors for that age. My oldest son didn't seem to have any equilibrium at all between 5 1/2 & 7. It just depends on the kid; these are simply typical developmental behaviors.
I haven't read every book in the series, but I found Your Six Year Old: Loving & Defiant to be invaluable. Six has been the hardest age I've had to deal with so far (and I have a tween, y'all!). So hard, in fact, that I've been dreading when my younger set gets there. If you can snag a copy from your local library, do it!
My recommendation: Highly recommend. In fact, I can't recommend it enough. Get your hands on a copy for your age child, somehow!
Really, it's because I want parents to know some of the stuff your kids do that makes you crazy is normal, even necessary. And I want to spare you some grief by discussing some parenting experts whose methods are so-so and others who I think you could benefit from.
I'll start today with a quick overview of past & present methods or books I've followed and my recommendations.
On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Yeah, it's controversial. For good reason. It "worked" in the sense that I felt in control. However, issues. So many issues.
The combination of my fundamentalist upbringing (parent is ultimate authority, child is a sinner from birth & tries to manipulate the parent, early physical punishment) combined with the very black and white thinking Ezzo presents made for a horrible dynamic. I didn't hold my first baby enough because I was so concerned with following the schedule. I also have a condition called overactive letdown (undiagnosed until baby #3) that is made worse by following conventional breastfeeding advice. Combine that with the rigid clock-watching involved in Ezzo's method, and I had a very fussy baby who was constantly projectile vomiting (too much foremilk upsets the tummy) and consequently hungry, yet I'd let her cry until feeding time rolled around again, only to repeat the cycle. It was torture emotionally, but I was afraid I'd raise a selfish kid by giving in to her "demands."
In addition, Ezzo's credentials have been called into question.
My recommendation: Avoid, unless you're the type who can take a piece of good advice here & there, then mentally discard the rest. You'll likely ignore a lot of the book and pick up only a few tips, so consider what your time is worth before reading.
Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp
I got this when my oldest two were toddlers. I love the way Tripp consistently talks about connecting with your child's heart, getting to the heart issue of the behavior. The con is that it seems every negative behavior is labelled "sin." Kids can't just have a bad day.
Also, he advocates spanking, but he doesn't describe the whole process (to my recollection...it's been a while since I read it. Feel free to correct me!). I grew up in a home where "spanking" was any physical punishment applied to the buttocks. So, being hit with a belt, a custom paddle, a wooden spoon, a ping-pong paddle, or a hand on the butt or upper thighs (clothed or naked) was all spanking. In my opinion, if you're going to advocate spanking, you should be specific in your definition of the term. As much as I dislike Michael Pearl, at least he's explicit in his definition of "switching."
My recommendation: Cautiously recommend; while there is great emphasis on connecting with your child's heart, Tripp's view of dealing with children's wrongdoings is extremely punitive.
The Strong-Willed Child, Dr. James Dobson
My parents are Dobson fans & my mom had several of his parenting books. She passed this one on to me. Basically, his premise is if you get into a battle of wills with your child, you must win at all costs. He also advocates spanking at the first sign of defiance instead of waiting until a last resort. Because of this advice, I spanked early & often.
The problem I see with this is that you never know for certain what's going on in someone else's heart & mind. Add to that the fact you're dealing with children who do not have the same thought processes as adults and are still learning how to express their autonomy & feelings appropriately, and there's a huge chance you're going to misinterpret the child's motives.
In shades of Michael Pearl, Dobson also likens training your strong-willed child to training a dog.
My recommendation: Avoid; this book sets parents up for an adversarial relationship with their children.
Get Off Your Butt Parenting, aka Effective Practical Parenting (GOYBP or EPP), Joanne Davidson
Found this as an online resource after baby #3. Highly practical, extremely effective method that is a wake-up call to parents who expect to be able to sit on the couch & have their young children quietly and cheerfully follow instructions. (Guilty!) It emphasizes the importance of having a relationship with your child and advocates natural & imposed consequences. Great real-life scenarios & tips with examples of imposed consequences
My recommendation: Highly recommend. EPP tends toward imposing consequences but doesn't completely rule out punishment, so it's good for those transitioning from punitive parenting to positive or gentle parenting.
The 5 Love Languages of Children, Gary D. Chapman & Ross Campbell
The theory is that each individual has a primary love language that they "hear" love best: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, or Acts of Service. If a child feels insecure in the parent's love, s/he will act out. The parent learns to see the acting out as a signal to meet the child's need for unconditional love by communicating in that child's love language first, and addressing the negative behavior second. Using this method, I've found that once I've reaffirmed my love for the child acting out, s/he will apologize and make amends for the negative behavior without me having to do anything else.
My recommendation: Highly recommend as a resource to help understand your child. It's not primarily a "discipline" book, and as such, doesn't have a lot of tools to use from that aspect.
Your X-Year Old, by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg (a series from age 1-16)
According to Ames & Ilg (and the Gesell Institute) every child goes through developmental phases of equilibrium (where they cope well) and disequilibrium (where so much is happening in terms of development that they aren't able to cope well with normal disappointments). These phases tend to shift roughly every 6 months in the cycle of development. As a result, your child can go through the 3 1/2 year disequilibrium stage at age 3, 3.5, or 4, depending on his/her development. My barely 4 year old is currently exhibiting disequilibrium behaviors typical of 3 1/2, and my 5 1/2 year old is right on with the disequilibrium behaviors for that age. My oldest son didn't seem to have any equilibrium at all between 5 1/2 & 7. It just depends on the kid; these are simply typical developmental behaviors.
I haven't read every book in the series, but I found Your Six Year Old: Loving & Defiant to be invaluable. Six has been the hardest age I've had to deal with so far (and I have a tween, y'all!). So hard, in fact, that I've been dreading when my younger set gets there. If you can snag a copy from your local library, do it!
My recommendation: Highly recommend. In fact, I can't recommend it enough. Get your hands on a copy for your age child, somehow!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Eastern or Western?
If you've read this blog much at all, you've probably already figured I'm not a proponent of corporal punishment.
To be even more clear, I am a Christian who rejects the notion that our modern spanking methods were lifted directly from Scripture.
About 8 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of gentle parenting. Some great resources I found are Gentle Christian Mothers, Arms of Love Family Fellowship, Hermana Linda's Why Not Train A Child?, Dulce de leche, and Dare to Disciple.
One of my favorite resources (and not just because he's a male voice that other men in the über-patriarchal environment of Fundamentalist Christianity wouldn't disregard on anatomy alone) is Samuel Martin's Bible Child. I am incredibly impressed with his scholarship and tremendously appreciate the work he has put into researching this topic in particular. Not only does he publish his findings on his blog, he also provides a free e-book to anyone willing to take an honest look at Biblical discipline.
In this recent post, Sam explores the prejudices we can have toward things that are unpretentious or rustic, often conflating simplistic with inferior. Also specific to my background, ideas originating in the East were viewed with suspicion, whereas theories with Western origins were often accepted without scrutiny. Eastern practices were "improved" by overlaying or combining them with Western variants.
One (relatively minor) example of this was one of my Christian school teachers discussing the Bible passage, "O how I love thy law! It is my meditation all the day." She described meditation as keeping something constantly in your mind, "not that Eastern idea of meditation where you sit cross-legged and say, 'Om.'"
Even then, my mind boggled. Wasn't the Bible written in the East? And wouldn't it stand to reason when David wrote of meditating, it would look like the Ancient Jewish practice of meditation rather than simply keeping something in mind? (I'll grant that om is Hindi, and thus not likely something David or any other Bible patriarchs would've been familiar with!)
I've had to confront my ingrained prejudices and racism since I've begun honestly examining my beliefs. I've found there is much about the Bible that I was taught from a Western perspective that genuinely doesn't stand up to scrutiny.
It is always good to periodically re-evaluate our beliefs. Obviously, we learn as we grow and mature, so it makes sense that we come into deeper understanding of our values. We discard what we discover to be half-truths, and we explore our new grasp of wisdom.
We need not fear taking information from any source, so long as we carefully analyze it for Truth.
To be even more clear, I am a Christian who rejects the notion that our modern spanking methods were lifted directly from Scripture.
About 8 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of gentle parenting. Some great resources I found are Gentle Christian Mothers, Arms of Love Family Fellowship, Hermana Linda's Why Not Train A Child?, Dulce de leche, and Dare to Disciple.
One of my favorite resources (and not just because he's a male voice that other men in the über-patriarchal environment of Fundamentalist Christianity wouldn't disregard on anatomy alone) is Samuel Martin's Bible Child. I am incredibly impressed with his scholarship and tremendously appreciate the work he has put into researching this topic in particular. Not only does he publish his findings on his blog, he also provides a free e-book to anyone willing to take an honest look at Biblical discipline.
In this recent post, Sam explores the prejudices we can have toward things that are unpretentious or rustic, often conflating simplistic with inferior. Also specific to my background, ideas originating in the East were viewed with suspicion, whereas theories with Western origins were often accepted without scrutiny. Eastern practices were "improved" by overlaying or combining them with Western variants.
One (relatively minor) example of this was one of my Christian school teachers discussing the Bible passage, "O how I love thy law! It is my meditation all the day." She described meditation as keeping something constantly in your mind, "not that Eastern idea of meditation where you sit cross-legged and say, 'Om.'"
Even then, my mind boggled. Wasn't the Bible written in the East? And wouldn't it stand to reason when David wrote of meditating, it would look like the Ancient Jewish practice of meditation rather than simply keeping something in mind? (I'll grant that om is Hindi, and thus not likely something David or any other Bible patriarchs would've been familiar with!)
I've had to confront my ingrained prejudices and racism since I've begun honestly examining my beliefs. I've found there is much about the Bible that I was taught from a Western perspective that genuinely doesn't stand up to scrutiny.
It is always good to periodically re-evaluate our beliefs. Obviously, we learn as we grow and mature, so it makes sense that we come into deeper understanding of our values. We discard what we discover to be half-truths, and we explore our new grasp of wisdom.
We need not fear taking information from any source, so long as we carefully analyze it for Truth.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Irrelevant?
I know every stay at home parent can feel irrelevant when it comes to "the real world," whatever that means.
I was joking with my husband today that I needed to parody Relevant magazine and create an Irrelevant magazine for moms that contains random Tweet-like statements. Because I want to feel like I am relevant, even if it's with other people who share the same malaise I have.
I think part of my feelings result from a lot of life changes that piled up, one after the other. Some things I was in control of (getting married a dozen years ago), and some things, not so much (getting pregnant 3 months after the wedding and proceeding to have 5 kids in the next 10 years...yeah, I know what causes it).
I used to feel...useful, I guess. Like I made a difference in people's lives. Rewarded? Content? I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Fulfilled, maybe.
And now, I feel like...a maid. A cook. A family therapist who has her own mental health issues but is so busy with clients she doesn't take time for herself and is about to go ape-sh*t crazy on the next person who slouches through the door & starts complaining about something as mundane as their partner not doing the dishes.
Um, that may have been too much.
My point is, I feel overwhelmed with the combined monotony of menial tasks and the repetition needed to teach little ones how to behave like humans. I'm sorely tempted to record myself saying things like, "Treat your siblings the way you want to be treated." "Use manners at the dinner table." "Don't hit the dog!" "Don't hit/bite/throw things at your brother/sister!" "GENTLE HANDS, already!" and play them on a loop all day. Heck, if I did that, the recording could do my parenting for me while I actually clean the house!
I long for connections with people. I want to help others, whether it be physical or emotional support. I crave the rapport of a give-and-take relationship where we all put something in and we al get something out.
I have training and experience and gifts and ideas...but I'm not in a position to use them outside the home right now. That probably contributes to my feeling irrelevant.
There are opportunities for me to use my gifts at church...sort of. I mean, sure, I could play piano or keyboard for services and sing solos or in a praise group...if I could afford to hire a babysitter to watch 5 kids during rehearsals & then bring them to church to maintain order while I'm doing music.
Or I could teach Children's Church...to a bunch of other little kids + my own when what I really need is adult interaction to help keep my brain from atrophy.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want (need) to do something involving interaction with others, something that feeds their souls and mine.
I need to take care of my children, rather than pushing them off on others for the purposes of my own gratification or self-aggrandizement.
So I go to church, feeling like I'm wasting everyone's time when I wrangle kids, pass crayons or toy cars, shush childish voices with volume settings of loud and louder, and basically distract others while I miss whatever message I was supposed to hear from God. (Random aside: If God is a still, small voice, how does the Almighty expect parents of little ones to ever hear whatever message is trying to come through? Why can't God just shout over their noise like everybody else does?)
The rest of the time, I stay home, trying to teach little people how to pick up after themselves (over and over and over and freaking over), how to have patience (because I have it in spades, y'all - my middle name is Job, can't ya tell?), how to treat others kindly (because I'm never unkind when I yell in frustration), how to balance self-care and servanthood (because I have it nailed...and I never, EVER act like a martyr when I'm folding mountains of laundry and whine that I don't get time to do fun, stimulating, adult stuff with real people instead of these tiny, people-like leeches who, despite their adorableness, somehow suck all my time and energy from me).
Really taking a look at all of this, though, I am relevant. I am extremely relevant to my kids as their mom and to their dad as his wife. Perhaps, then, the issue is not so much being irrelevant as is it my own issues with needing approval.
Let me tell you, there is no approval from a child when you are enforcing "you make a mess, you clean it up." There is no approval from a child when you grab her just before she runs into the road to get something shiny. And there is no approval from anyone, ever, when you make vegan split-pea soup for dinner because that was all you could make with what was left in the pantry and crisper.
But being relevant? Yeah, I got that.
I was joking with my husband today that I needed to parody Relevant magazine and create an Irrelevant magazine for moms that contains random Tweet-like statements. Because I want to feel like I am relevant, even if it's with other people who share the same malaise I have.
I think part of my feelings result from a lot of life changes that piled up, one after the other. Some things I was in control of (getting married a dozen years ago), and some things, not so much (getting pregnant 3 months after the wedding and proceeding to have 5 kids in the next 10 years...yeah, I know what causes it).
I used to feel...useful, I guess. Like I made a difference in people's lives. Rewarded? Content? I can't seem to find the right words to describe it. Fulfilled, maybe.
And now, I feel like...a maid. A cook. A family therapist who has her own mental health issues but is so busy with clients she doesn't take time for herself and is about to go ape-sh*t crazy on the next person who slouches through the door & starts complaining about something as mundane as their partner not doing the dishes.
Um, that may have been too much.
My point is, I feel overwhelmed with the combined monotony of menial tasks and the repetition needed to teach little ones how to behave like humans. I'm sorely tempted to record myself saying things like, "Treat your siblings the way you want to be treated." "Use manners at the dinner table." "Don't hit the dog!" "Don't hit/bite/throw things at your brother/sister!" "GENTLE HANDS, already!" and play them on a loop all day. Heck, if I did that, the recording could do my parenting for me while I actually clean the house!
I long for connections with people. I want to help others, whether it be physical or emotional support. I crave the rapport of a give-and-take relationship where we all put something in and we al get something out.
I have training and experience and gifts and ideas...but I'm not in a position to use them outside the home right now. That probably contributes to my feeling irrelevant.
There are opportunities for me to use my gifts at church...sort of. I mean, sure, I could play piano or keyboard for services and sing solos or in a praise group...if I could afford to hire a babysitter to watch 5 kids during rehearsals & then bring them to church to maintain order while I'm doing music.
Or I could teach Children's Church...to a bunch of other little kids + my own when what I really need is adult interaction to help keep my brain from atrophy.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want (need) to do something involving interaction with others, something that feeds their souls and mine.
I need to take care of my children, rather than pushing them off on others for the purposes of my own gratification or self-aggrandizement.
So I go to church, feeling like I'm wasting everyone's time when I wrangle kids, pass crayons or toy cars, shush childish voices with volume settings of loud and louder, and basically distract others while I miss whatever message I was supposed to hear from God. (Random aside: If God is a still, small voice, how does the Almighty expect parents of little ones to ever hear whatever message is trying to come through? Why can't God just shout over their noise like everybody else does?)
The rest of the time, I stay home, trying to teach little people how to pick up after themselves (over and over and over and freaking over), how to have patience (because I have it in spades, y'all - my middle name is Job, can't ya tell?), how to treat others kindly (because I'm never unkind when I yell in frustration), how to balance self-care and servanthood (because I have it nailed...and I never, EVER act like a martyr when I'm folding mountains of laundry and whine that I don't get time to do fun, stimulating, adult stuff with real people instead of these tiny, people-like leeches who, despite their adorableness, somehow suck all my time and energy from me).
Really taking a look at all of this, though, I am relevant. I am extremely relevant to my kids as their mom and to their dad as his wife. Perhaps, then, the issue is not so much being irrelevant as is it my own issues with needing approval.
Let me tell you, there is no approval from a child when you are enforcing "you make a mess, you clean it up." There is no approval from a child when you grab her just before she runs into the road to get something shiny. And there is no approval from anyone, ever, when you make vegan split-pea soup for dinner because that was all you could make with what was left in the pantry and crisper.
But being relevant? Yeah, I got that.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Choosing Relationships Over Being Right
I don't know about you, but I love the feeling of superiority that comes with being right. The "I'm better than you because I know more" high. The feeling of being worthy.
And because of that, I can focus too much on dichotomies: picking a side and debating it, even if it really doesn't matter.
I've had to work very hard at not being obnoxiously dogmatic when stating my opinion. I'm a naturally passionate person, and when you combine that with the black-and-white thinking I was raised with, you get some serious arrogance.
Time has mellowed me. I've learned that not everything is black and white. I've learned that issues often have many, many more than two sides. And I've changed my mind about a lot of things.
For instance, I've embraced panentheism. I support gay rights. I am politically pro-choice while remaining personally pro-life. I believe women can be pastors. I believe in an egalitarian view of marriage. I am leaning toward a universalist view of salvation. I practice gentle, grace-based discipline. I believe in theistic evolution. Any of which could get me labelled a heretic at my current church. Or a liberal. (They're the same, you know.)
So, why do I attend a church that on the surface is so at odds with my personal views?
I value people and relationships over being right.
The people at my church love me. They care about me as an individual much more than my stance on issues. And I love and respect them enough to let them believe and live their convictions without trying to change them.
When someone is saying something incredibly narrow-minded (like, "A real Christian can't believe in evolution."), yes, I will speak up. I say something like, "Just because someone has read the Bible and come to a different conclusion than you doesn't make them any less Christian. If they love God and love the Bible, they are your brother or sister in Christ, even if you differ in your beliefs in this area."
I most certainly have confronted those who I believe are damaging in their dogmatism, but not to prove I am right. Frankly, I'm not certain I am right about anything, anymore! I just point out that there are people and feelings involved, and denigrating someone else's convictions because they differ from your own (whether based on your interpretation of the Bible or simply personal opinion) is inappropriate, at best. At the very least, that attitude of "I'm right and they're wrong" is not humble; it's not exemplifying the spirit of being wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Because life is not about being right. It's about how you relate to others - whether you agree with them, or not.
And because of that, I can focus too much on dichotomies: picking a side and debating it, even if it really doesn't matter.
I've had to work very hard at not being obnoxiously dogmatic when stating my opinion. I'm a naturally passionate person, and when you combine that with the black-and-white thinking I was raised with, you get some serious arrogance.
Time has mellowed me. I've learned that not everything is black and white. I've learned that issues often have many, many more than two sides. And I've changed my mind about a lot of things.
For instance, I've embraced panentheism. I support gay rights. I am politically pro-choice while remaining personally pro-life. I believe women can be pastors. I believe in an egalitarian view of marriage. I am leaning toward a universalist view of salvation. I practice gentle, grace-based discipline. I believe in theistic evolution. Any of which could get me labelled a heretic at my current church. Or a liberal. (They're the same, you know.)
So, why do I attend a church that on the surface is so at odds with my personal views?
I value people and relationships over being right.
The people at my church love me. They care about me as an individual much more than my stance on issues. And I love and respect them enough to let them believe and live their convictions without trying to change them.
When someone is saying something incredibly narrow-minded (like, "A real Christian can't believe in evolution."), yes, I will speak up. I say something like, "Just because someone has read the Bible and come to a different conclusion than you doesn't make them any less Christian. If they love God and love the Bible, they are your brother or sister in Christ, even if you differ in your beliefs in this area."
I most certainly have confronted those who I believe are damaging in their dogmatism, but not to prove I am right. Frankly, I'm not certain I am right about anything, anymore! I just point out that there are people and feelings involved, and denigrating someone else's convictions because they differ from your own (whether based on your interpretation of the Bible or simply personal opinion) is inappropriate, at best. At the very least, that attitude of "I'm right and they're wrong" is not humble; it's not exemplifying the spirit of being wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Because life is not about being right. It's about how you relate to others - whether you agree with them, or not.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
You're Beautiful...Just the Way You Are!
You're beautiful. Did you know that? Has anyone ever told you?
You are. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way. What's absolutely contemptible is that at some point in your life, someone tried to hide or change the thing that is most beautiful about you.
I see it in my childhood. I talked too much and too loudly, I moved my hands too much when I talked, my voice was too sing-songy, too high-pitched. (I decided the last two on my own after hearing recordings of myself.) I was fat (really, I wasn't; I have a rounder body type, but my weight was in the normal range). I was ugly - that random kid at camp told me so when I was 8 years old.
I learned those lessons well. It wasn't until I was in high school, suffering with constant sore throats that I decided to pitch my voice higher. I sing in the soprano range, but I was speaking consistently near A below middle C. No wonder my throat was sore!
I spoke in a near-monotone unless I was reading; then I was super-expressive. Teachers loved having me read aloud. My kids still love hearing me read because I give each character its own voice - like radio theater! It's a lot of fun for me, too. But it wasn't until recently that I allowed myself to be expressive in my daily speech. In fact, when I first began speaking with my (natural) lilt, my oldest son thought I was making fun of him!
I did struggle with weight in 6th grade, but I'd lost 20 lbs. by 8th grade. I steadily gained weight throughout high school, but I was still within normal limits and wore a size 8. I now am a size 12, which isn't bad for a mom to 5 with no time for any kind of regular exercise. I am truly content with the shape my body is in at this stage of my life.
I did internalize the ugly comment. I wore glasses, and I felt plain. I look back now at pictures from my childhood, and gosh, I was so stinkin' CUTE! I mean, truly adorable.
I have had to work at feeling beautiful. I took negative comments and false beliefs and let them define me. Perhaps you've done the same?
No more! I am living the truth of who God made me to be. I am effervescent. I am gregarious. I am fun. I am a superb storyteller. And you know what? I'm pretty darn cute, with my purple glasses, trendy haircut, and warm, welcoming grin that invites others to come laugh with me!
I am beautiful.
What I want is for you to revel in the truth of who God made you to be, too. You may have been told you are too this or too that. You need to "tone it down" or "lighten up." NO! God made you perfectly you; to water down your personality because someone else said to do so is a complete travesty.
I don't know if you're into affirmations, but if you are, I want you to write affirmations for those areas you were told to change and say them for a week. See if you notice a difference! Immerse yourself in the truth of who you were meant to be. Stop letting others' opinions define the choices you make in how you live your life.
Because you? You are beautiful. Just the way you are!
You are. I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way. What's absolutely contemptible is that at some point in your life, someone tried to hide or change the thing that is most beautiful about you.
I see it in my childhood. I talked too much and too loudly, I moved my hands too much when I talked, my voice was too sing-songy, too high-pitched. (I decided the last two on my own after hearing recordings of myself.) I was fat (really, I wasn't; I have a rounder body type, but my weight was in the normal range). I was ugly - that random kid at camp told me so when I was 8 years old.
I learned those lessons well. It wasn't until I was in high school, suffering with constant sore throats that I decided to pitch my voice higher. I sing in the soprano range, but I was speaking consistently near A below middle C. No wonder my throat was sore!
I spoke in a near-monotone unless I was reading; then I was super-expressive. Teachers loved having me read aloud. My kids still love hearing me read because I give each character its own voice - like radio theater! It's a lot of fun for me, too. But it wasn't until recently that I allowed myself to be expressive in my daily speech. In fact, when I first began speaking with my (natural) lilt, my oldest son thought I was making fun of him!
I did struggle with weight in 6th grade, but I'd lost 20 lbs. by 8th grade. I steadily gained weight throughout high school, but I was still within normal limits and wore a size 8. I now am a size 12, which isn't bad for a mom to 5 with no time for any kind of regular exercise. I am truly content with the shape my body is in at this stage of my life.
I did internalize the ugly comment. I wore glasses, and I felt plain. I look back now at pictures from my childhood, and gosh, I was so stinkin' CUTE! I mean, truly adorable.
I have had to work at feeling beautiful. I took negative comments and false beliefs and let them define me. Perhaps you've done the same?
No more! I am living the truth of who God made me to be. I am effervescent. I am gregarious. I am fun. I am a superb storyteller. And you know what? I'm pretty darn cute, with my purple glasses, trendy haircut, and warm, welcoming grin that invites others to come laugh with me!
I am beautiful.
What I want is for you to revel in the truth of who God made you to be, too. You may have been told you are too this or too that. You need to "tone it down" or "lighten up." NO! God made you perfectly you; to water down your personality because someone else said to do so is a complete travesty.
I don't know if you're into affirmations, but if you are, I want you to write affirmations for those areas you were told to change and say them for a week. See if you notice a difference! Immerse yourself in the truth of who you were meant to be. Stop letting others' opinions define the choices you make in how you live your life.
Because you? You are beautiful. Just the way you are!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Finding My Voice
I apologize for the hiatus from blogging. (I'm sure you were waiting with bated breath for my next post, weren't you? No? OK, then.)
Frankly, I think I set myself up for failure with my grandiose idea of blogging about "finding God in my life and parenting."
Because God is omnipresent, so I don't have to really find the Almighty, y'know?
Because I am a random person and the thought of having to make my posts fit into specific parameters is kinda soul-sucking. (And boring. Which makes me rather unenthusiastic about writing.)
Because my life is crazy and fun and messy and sometimes hair-pullingly frustrating and trying to make it into something serious and/or inspirational is not working for me.
And finally, because I am still trying to find my voice. I still (in my mid-thirties) am discovering who I am. Maybe you can relate?
See, I grew up in Fundamentalist Christianity. I had no voice. As a child, I was ruled by adults who mostly loved me, but believed they were my "God-given authority" to dictate who I was to be.
I went to a Fundamentalist university, where (again) I was under the authority of "God-given leadership" who dictated how I dressed, where I went, and what I did.
I married and attended Fundamentalist churches. I was under the authority of my husband, and gracious, loving submission (code for subservience) was the litmus test of how good a wife I was.
Perhaps (un)surprisingly, I carry some baggage from that. I find it extremely difficult to speak up appropriately. I sound as if I'm making a suggestion, or else I come across as rude and demanding. Finding my voice will require the practice of actually using it.
Also, my writing style wasn't true to me. I was taught very well how to write in a semi-formal style, so others would take me and my words seriously. There is nothing wrong with writing that way, but this is a blog, for cryin' out loud.
My blog.
My words.
My voice.
I have gone from being voiceless to trying to imitate others' voices. I've learned I'm no prophetic Sarah Bessey, nor warrior-poet Preston Yancey, nor exhorter Rachel Held Evans, nor truth-proclaimer Elizabeth Esther.
I'm me. My purpose, my voice, my calling is different.
I empathize. I encourage.
I scatter sunshine like fairy dust to life's dark corners. I breathe hope into the gloomy dungeons of desolation. I buttress wavering faith and weave gold threads into the damaged tapestries of relationship.
How that works as a blog? I have no clue. None.
But that's ok. I promise -to you, my readers and to myself- that I will use my voice, follow my calling from now on.
I hope you enjoy reading the real me.
Sincerely,
Korrine Britton
Frankly, I think I set myself up for failure with my grandiose idea of blogging about "finding God in my life and parenting."
Because God is omnipresent, so I don't have to really find the Almighty, y'know?
Because I am a random person and the thought of having to make my posts fit into specific parameters is kinda soul-sucking. (And boring. Which makes me rather unenthusiastic about writing.)
Because my life is crazy and fun and messy and sometimes hair-pullingly frustrating and trying to make it into something serious and/or inspirational is not working for me.
And finally, because I am still trying to find my voice. I still (in my mid-thirties) am discovering who I am. Maybe you can relate?
See, I grew up in Fundamentalist Christianity. I had no voice. As a child, I was ruled by adults who mostly loved me, but believed they were my "God-given authority" to dictate who I was to be.
I went to a Fundamentalist university, where (again) I was under the authority of "God-given leadership" who dictated how I dressed, where I went, and what I did.
I married and attended Fundamentalist churches. I was under the authority of my husband, and gracious, loving submission (code for subservience) was the litmus test of how good a wife I was.
Perhaps (un)surprisingly, I carry some baggage from that. I find it extremely difficult to speak up appropriately. I sound as if I'm making a suggestion, or else I come across as rude and demanding. Finding my voice will require the practice of actually using it.
Also, my writing style wasn't true to me. I was taught very well how to write in a semi-formal style, so others would take me and my words seriously. There is nothing wrong with writing that way, but this is a blog, for cryin' out loud.
My blog.
My words.
My voice.
I have gone from being voiceless to trying to imitate others' voices. I've learned I'm no prophetic Sarah Bessey, nor warrior-poet Preston Yancey, nor exhorter Rachel Held Evans, nor truth-proclaimer Elizabeth Esther.
I'm me. My purpose, my voice, my calling is different.
I empathize. I encourage.
I scatter sunshine like fairy dust to life's dark corners. I breathe hope into the gloomy dungeons of desolation. I buttress wavering faith and weave gold threads into the damaged tapestries of relationship.
How that works as a blog? I have no clue. None.
But that's ok. I promise -to you, my readers and to myself- that I will use my voice, follow my calling from now on.
I hope you enjoy reading the real me.
Sincerely,
Korrine Britton
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Forgive us as we forgive others
God has forgiven me of much. I am a former child abuser. Never having been reported to CPS or never having a record of my crimes does not change the truth. Yes, I have sought help, and yes, I have changed by the grace of God. Although my past doesn't dictate my future, my present doesn't erase my past.
I realize not all parents are abuse survivors who struggle with breaking the cycle of abuse. But we all struggle with forgiveness from time to time.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in our injuries, the slights and disrespect toward us that we fail to see how we have injured and disrespected others.
Yes, we are all broken people. No, I am not excusing those who intentionally hurt or abuse others physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, or otherwise.
I think, though, that we often have an unrealistic view of forgiveness. Somehow, we've gotten the message that forgiveness not only erases a debt, it obligates us to continue to put ourselves in situations where we can again be hurt or taken advantage of. Such is not the case.
Forgiveness means forgiving a debt. When someone has wronged me and I choose to forgive, I am releasing that individual from the obligation I feel they owe me. I am choosing not to let resentment over that obligation build, and I am choosing to move on from the situation. I am NOT ignoring any damage that was done, and I am NOT going to put open myself to being wronged again, especially if that individual is in a pattern of abuse.
I have found that forgiveness, especially in cases where I have been deeply wronged, is a process. I have to continue to choose forgiveness instead of resentment. I must choose to erase the debt instead of expecting certain behaviors or responses from the offender.
I find, though, that I am quick to seek forgiveness and grace for myself, and quick to seek justice for others' wrongs against me.
The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 always speaks to me.
Christ tells of a king who was taking account of his servants. One servant owed the king 10,000 talents. We have no idea whether the talents were gold or silver, but frankly, it doesn't matter. A talent is 57 pounds, which means in today's market, the servant owed $896,610,000 in gold or $16,530,000 in silver. For most of us, that is an unpayable debt!
The servant resorted to his only recourse: begging for mercy and promising that he would pay the debt over time. The gracious king forgave the servant's debt, no strings attached.
The relieved servant went out from the king's presence and chanced upon another servant. The second servant owed (from what I can deduce) something akin to $4,100 to the first servant. While still a lot of money to most of us, it is a debt that could realistically be repaid.
One would think the first servant, high off his recent experience with grace, would be anxious to share such mercy with his peer. Instead, he grabbed the other by the throat and demanded immediate restitution! When the second man couldn't immediately come up with the funds, the first had him thrown into debtor's prison.
The other servants saw this injustice and told their king. The king immediately called the first man to him and reminded him of the great debt that had been forgiven, and asked why the servant had not had compassion on his own debtor. Apparently, the king was so angry, he rescinded his forgiveness of the original debt and delivered the unforgiving servant to jail.
This is where the phrase "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" comes into play.
I think the take away from this parable is not just the injustice of being forgiven and refusing to forgive, but it's also how we forgive (or don't) affects how God forgives us.
That's a mind-bending concept.
One is tends to think that a gracious God forgives because He is gracious. We often forget that God is also a Being of justice.
Why, then, should I harshly punish my children for slights against me (back talk, failure to follow instructions, etc.) when God has forgiven me of so much more? Why do I expect those who have offended me to come groveling in humility while I too often wave my hand or roll my eyes when confronted with my own offenses?
"Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Help me to remember the debt I owe You, and let it soften my responses to others.
I realize not all parents are abuse survivors who struggle with breaking the cycle of abuse. But we all struggle with forgiveness from time to time.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in our injuries, the slights and disrespect toward us that we fail to see how we have injured and disrespected others.
Yes, we are all broken people. No, I am not excusing those who intentionally hurt or abuse others physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, or otherwise.
I think, though, that we often have an unrealistic view of forgiveness. Somehow, we've gotten the message that forgiveness not only erases a debt, it obligates us to continue to put ourselves in situations where we can again be hurt or taken advantage of. Such is not the case.
Forgiveness means forgiving a debt. When someone has wronged me and I choose to forgive, I am releasing that individual from the obligation I feel they owe me. I am choosing not to let resentment over that obligation build, and I am choosing to move on from the situation. I am NOT ignoring any damage that was done, and I am NOT going to put open myself to being wronged again, especially if that individual is in a pattern of abuse.
I have found that forgiveness, especially in cases where I have been deeply wronged, is a process. I have to continue to choose forgiveness instead of resentment. I must choose to erase the debt instead of expecting certain behaviors or responses from the offender.
I find, though, that I am quick to seek forgiveness and grace for myself, and quick to seek justice for others' wrongs against me.
The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 always speaks to me.
Christ tells of a king who was taking account of his servants. One servant owed the king 10,000 talents. We have no idea whether the talents were gold or silver, but frankly, it doesn't matter. A talent is 57 pounds, which means in today's market, the servant owed $896,610,000 in gold or $16,530,000 in silver. For most of us, that is an unpayable debt!
The servant resorted to his only recourse: begging for mercy and promising that he would pay the debt over time. The gracious king forgave the servant's debt, no strings attached.
The relieved servant went out from the king's presence and chanced upon another servant. The second servant owed (from what I can deduce) something akin to $4,100 to the first servant. While still a lot of money to most of us, it is a debt that could realistically be repaid.
One would think the first servant, high off his recent experience with grace, would be anxious to share such mercy with his peer. Instead, he grabbed the other by the throat and demanded immediate restitution! When the second man couldn't immediately come up with the funds, the first had him thrown into debtor's prison.
The other servants saw this injustice and told their king. The king immediately called the first man to him and reminded him of the great debt that had been forgiven, and asked why the servant had not had compassion on his own debtor. Apparently, the king was so angry, he rescinded his forgiveness of the original debt and delivered the unforgiving servant to jail.
This is where the phrase "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" comes into play.
I think the take away from this parable is not just the injustice of being forgiven and refusing to forgive, but it's also how we forgive (or don't) affects how God forgives us.
That's a mind-bending concept.
One is tends to think that a gracious God forgives because He is gracious. We often forget that God is also a Being of justice.
Why, then, should I harshly punish my children for slights against me (back talk, failure to follow instructions, etc.) when God has forgiven me of so much more? Why do I expect those who have offended me to come groveling in humility while I too often wave my hand or roll my eyes when confronted with my own offenses?
"Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Help me to remember the debt I owe You, and let it soften my responses to others.
Church Relationships
Relationships are messy. Church relationships can be even more so, because the spiritual and the personal, the heart, the mind, and the soul are all tangled together in one beautiful, chaotically broken, mended package.
How does one handle the minor offenses that are bound to happen when people from different backgrounds and opinions come together for corporate worship? Frankly, I think a lot of stuff that is just preference can be acknowledged and accommodated to a point.
For instance, some people don’t like having the offering plate passed in church, but prefer an offering box to sit at the back of the sanctuary. Some people prefer the offering be received after the worship portion, but before the sermon, and some people prefer to give the monetary offering at the very end of the service.
None of these are right or wrong; they are simply preferences. Perhaps a church where several people have expressed their differing preferences could compromise by changing the offering format month to month. It’s fairly simple to do and it shows that the members’ thoughts and opinions are valued.
Perhaps new members have voiced frustration that the church seems to have a lot of “unwritten rules” they are not privy to, and have asked that expectations be clearly communicated. These particular “unwritten rules” are not oppressive or bad; they are simply part of the fabric of this particular church and are well-known to the long-time members of the congregation.
A simple solution would be to write down the expectations so all members and attendees are aware of potential land mines that could cause unnecessary and unintended offense and frustration.
Or maybe, individuals have expressed concern that the church leadership seems to need exercise a lot of control over every aspect of church ministry. Perhaps communication from the senior choir director to the children’s choir director must be filtered through the pastor when it would be simpler for the two directors to speak directly to each other without a go-between.
Since a pastor is an over-seer, he could allow the music ministers to do their jobs and simply require them to submit final plans for the services to him. There is no real need for the pastor to be privy to every detail of the decision-making processes of the music ministers as they plan for choir rehearsals and church services. By reviewing the final plans, the pastor would still be involved and apprised, without being controlling.
But what if you’ve unintentionally offended someone? What if their communications with you in person are polite, but stilted? What if communication outside of church has completely ceased? What if you’ve asked for an explanation and apologized for any offense caused (and also asked to be told the offense), only to receive a terse, “Thank you for your communication.” or no response at all? What if you’ve sought reconciliation through the pastor, and the pastor (after having spoken to the other party) insists no one has issues with you and refuses to arrange or sit in on a meeting between you and the other person?
What then?
Ordinarily, I would advise continuing to go to church as usual. If the other party insists nothing is wrong and no offense has occurred, all you can do is take him at his word. Treat this individual the way you always have, with love and kindness and honesty. It could be this person has something else going on in his life that is effecting all his relationships. It is quite possible you have indeed done nothing to offend, and this individual is simply distancing himself for an unrelated reason.
But what if, after you’ve attempted reconciliation and have been told no one has cause for offense, you are invited by your church leadership to visit other churches?
What then?
I suggest accepting their invitation, hurt though you may be, and seek fellowship elsewhere. It is hard (nigh impossible) not to take such a situation personally, but do try to assume positive intent on the part of the church. Perhaps they believe that they are failing in ministering effectively to you and have concluded that a church with different resources may better meet your needs. Perhaps they see that you and they have different spiritual goals for the church and believe you would be more comfortable in a church that has goals more in line with your own. Perhaps the pastor believes what you intended as constructive criticism is a sign of your discontent or your asking “permission” to be released from membership. Perhaps the leadership believes your theology is divergent enough that in time, there could be a large, painful rift between you and they are seeking to prevent a potential church split.
It would be nice if the church leadership would assume positive intent on your part as well, but you are in control only of yourself and your decisions in this case. If the leadership sees you as either a liability or a threat when your intentions are merely to further the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ through improvement of church ministry, there is, sadly, not much more you can do.
Remember, too, that “church” doesn’t have to look like what you are familiar with. God has promised “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Church can happen while folding laundry with your children and speaking of God’s goodness, or while having coffee with a friend for informal Bible study. Church can happen when conversing with a stranger who is a believer in the DMV line. Church is not confined to brick walls and stained glass, a routine of singing followed by four (alliterated) points and a poem, or the daily liturgy.
Church is meeting with God, and since God is omnipresent, church can (and should) happen everywhere. I advise finding a church (in whatever form) full of broken people who not only acknowledge their own brokenness, but delight in welcoming and worshipping with other broken people. After all, Christ shines brightest through the broken places.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Spiritual Abuse
verb (used with object)
1.
to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2.
to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3.
to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4.
to commit sexual assault upon.
5.
Virtually everyone, if asked, would assert he is against abuse of any kind. The problem comes
when we define abuse differently. For instance, I believe spanking is physical abuse. There are
many others who disagree with that blanket statement and wish to add caveats to it: spanking is
an acceptable form of punishment unless taken too far they say. Unfortunately, what may be quite
obviously "too far" for one child is not so obvious for another.
I believe repeated teasing and mocking of children is emotional abuse. There are those who
disagree, who insist their child knows teasing is done in fun and their child actually likes it.
Frankly, there are people in this world who are so damaged by that type of thing in their childhoods,
that they do not feel truly loved unless their sexual partner mocks and ridicules them. If there is
even a remote possibility my actions or words to my children could lead to that type of dysfunction, believe me, I will do everything I can to avoid setting my child up for that type of dynamic.
I believe many well-meaning religious institutions (churches, universities, mission boards) practice spiritual abuse. I daresay most of the perpetrators of spiritual abuse do not actually intend to wound others, although there are certainly exceptions where individuals do willfully and knowingly use their spiritual authority to control others. Spiritual abuse is defined as "the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining, or decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment." A broader definition would be "a kind of abuse which...leaves us spiritually discouraged and emotionally cut off from the healing love of God."
For churches to function properly, they need to know those to whom they claim to minister. Christians and churches can give trite "Biblical" answers to people, but often, they do not wait for a question. Jesus is the spiritual answer to dealing with the consequences of sin, yes, but "Jesus" is not always the correct answer for day-to-day problems.
For instance, I have a friend with serious health problems. In addition, she has two young children, a husband who is out of work, and a mortgage to pay. Groceries and medications are the main areas where their money goes, but she also needs gas to get to her own job, and her husband is continuing his education in an attempt to get work. Placating this family with the phrase "Jesus will take care of you." is not the answer they need right now. That answer is damaging to their souls, and causes them to wonder, "Why isn't Jesus taking care of us? What have we done wrong? Are we being punished for past sins?"
The true answer to their needs would be to act as the hands and feet of Jesus: dropping off food, offering childcare, being on the lookout for job opportunities.
Another example is my acquaintance who is a single mom to a young, school-aged boy. She has to do the work of two parents. When she tried to join an evening ladies' Bible study, she was asked not to bring her son (even though he was quietly doing homework), because it was supposed to be a time for the moms to "relax and focus on God."
Those women, because they could not see past their own preconceived notions of what Bible study is, hurt and alienated a woman who desperately needed support and fellowship from other Christians.
In my own experience with at least four different churches, I have been accused of not parenting "biblically" (because I do not spank), accused of not allowing the Holy Spirit to produce the fruit of self control in my life (if I dospank strike a child, something snaps as a result of my own abuse, and I have extreme difficulty stopping myself), accused of being selfish and not taking others' needs into account (for bringing my newborn with me to a MOPS meeting instead of leaving her in the nursery with strangers), accused of making my newborn selfish (by taking her out when she cried in church), and finally, accused of not supporting my pastor-husband by not sitting in the services and hearing him preach (I took our then four small children out to read them a Bible story book).
In churches, Christian school, and Christian college, I was told that a man's morality is dependent on how much skin I covered. (By implication, the message is all men are rapists at heart, which is both demoralizing and infuriating for normal men.) I was told that the happiness of my marriage was dependent on how much and how well I submitted. I was told that because Eve sinned by eating the fruit, and because she caused Adam to sin, women could not be trusted on spiritual matters.
Brothers and sisters, fellow believers, that is spiritual abuse.
It is spiritual abuse to say "Be warmed and filled," and not provide the means of warmth and food if you have it. If you do not personally have the means to provide for those asking for your help, you likely know to whom or to where to direct those in need.
It is spiritual abuse to treat those is need as if their souls are somehow separate from their bodies - and vice versa.
It is spiritual abuse to place the burden of your interpretation of God's law on others.
It is spiritual abuse to shrug your shoulders or turn away when confronted with a problem in your religious institution you can help correct.
Jesus said,
Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.
when we define abuse differently. For instance, I believe spanking is physical abuse. There are
many others who disagree with that blanket statement and wish to add caveats to it: spanking is
an acceptable form of punishment unless taken too far they say. Unfortunately, what may be quite
obviously "too far" for one child is not so obvious for another.
I believe repeated teasing and mocking of children is emotional abuse. There are those who
disagree, who insist their child knows teasing is done in fun and their child actually likes it.
Frankly, there are people in this world who are so damaged by that type of thing in their childhoods,
that they do not feel truly loved unless their sexual partner mocks and ridicules them. If there is
even a remote possibility my actions or words to my children could lead to that type of dysfunction, believe me, I will do everything I can to avoid setting my child up for that type of dynamic.
I believe many well-meaning religious institutions (churches, universities, mission boards) practice spiritual abuse. I daresay most of the perpetrators of spiritual abuse do not actually intend to wound others, although there are certainly exceptions where individuals do willfully and knowingly use their spiritual authority to control others. Spiritual abuse is defined as "the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining, or decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment." A broader definition would be "a kind of abuse which...leaves us spiritually discouraged and emotionally cut off from the healing love of God."
For churches to function properly, they need to know those to whom they claim to minister. Christians and churches can give trite "Biblical" answers to people, but often, they do not wait for a question. Jesus is the spiritual answer to dealing with the consequences of sin, yes, but "Jesus" is not always the correct answer for day-to-day problems.
For instance, I have a friend with serious health problems. In addition, she has two young children, a husband who is out of work, and a mortgage to pay. Groceries and medications are the main areas where their money goes, but she also needs gas to get to her own job, and her husband is continuing his education in an attempt to get work. Placating this family with the phrase "Jesus will take care of you." is not the answer they need right now. That answer is damaging to their souls, and causes them to wonder, "Why isn't Jesus taking care of us? What have we done wrong? Are we being punished for past sins?"
The true answer to their needs would be to act as the hands and feet of Jesus: dropping off food, offering childcare, being on the lookout for job opportunities.
Another example is my acquaintance who is a single mom to a young, school-aged boy. She has to do the work of two parents. When she tried to join an evening ladies' Bible study, she was asked not to bring her son (even though he was quietly doing homework), because it was supposed to be a time for the moms to "relax and focus on God."
Those women, because they could not see past their own preconceived notions of what Bible study is, hurt and alienated a woman who desperately needed support and fellowship from other Christians.
In my own experience with at least four different churches, I have been accused of not parenting "biblically" (because I do not spank), accused of not allowing the Holy Spirit to produce the fruit of self control in my life (if I do
In churches, Christian school, and Christian college, I was told that a man's morality is dependent on how much skin I covered. (By implication, the message is all men are rapists at heart, which is both demoralizing and infuriating for normal men.) I was told that the happiness of my marriage was dependent on how much and how well I submitted. I was told that because Eve sinned by eating the fruit, and because she caused Adam to sin, women could not be trusted on spiritual matters.
Brothers and sisters, fellow believers, that is spiritual abuse.
It is spiritual abuse to say "Be warmed and filled," and not provide the means of warmth and food if you have it. If you do not personally have the means to provide for those asking for your help, you likely know to whom or to where to direct those in need.
It is spiritual abuse to treat those is need as if their souls are somehow separate from their bodies - and vice versa.
It is spiritual abuse to place the burden of your interpretation of God's law on others.
It is spiritual abuse to shrug your shoulders or turn away when confronted with a problem in your religious institution you can help correct.
The solution to this is simple:
Jesus said, "'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." Matt. 22:37-40
Monday, February 11, 2013
To Tell the Truth
Honesty v. Dishonesty
Truth v. Lies
We all strive to model and teach honesty to our children. And while most of us consider ourselves basically truthful, it is very easy to let the "little white lies" infiltrate our interactions with our kids. Using "Because I said so," instead of admitting we don't have a good reason not to allow a particular activity; telling little ones there is no more (candy, cheese, whatever) instead of using the moment to explain why we limit certain things; trying to convince youngsters that a favorite place (Chuck E. Cheese, McDonald's, the library) is closed, instead of explaining why visiting certain places isn't an everyday occurrence.
On the other hand, I've seen parents go absolutely ballistic if their potty-training two-year-old says, "I didn't peeeeeeee!" while simultaneously sporting a large wet spot on their pants.
In my mind there's a huge difference. And it's not that the parents' behavior is acceptable and the toddler is being deliberately deceptive. Quite the opposite, in fact.
In cognitive development, children go through various views of reality. This is not the world as we adults know it. It is the world through the child's perception. It is the child's reality.
For instance, infants know only their own comfort and discomfort, but they lack the ability to soothe and care for themselves. Infants cry not because they are sinful or manipulative (yes, that was the viewpoint I was taught and even believed in my early years as a parent), but because they are communicating their needs the only way they can.
Once language is introduced, toddlers are fascinated with their communication skills. They believe "words are magic" and can make things happen. This is one reason toddlers have meltdowns when they can't communicate well. Not only are they frustrated they aren't understood, they are also frustrated that the "magic" isn't working!
This "words are magic" stage lasts until almost age five, at which point the child has assimilated enough information to understand that s/he can't change everything by speaking it into or out of existence. Age five marks the beginning of logic and a grasp of cause and effect, which, coincidentally, is also the age most children start school in this country.
So, when a two-year-old insists, "I didn't pee!" it is because s/he believes saying it makes it true.
When an adult says, "McDonald's is closed." (when, in fact, it isn't), the adult is deliberately trying to deceive a child.
The child is being dishonest, but s/he isn't being untruthful. The child knows s/he wet his/her pants, but the child also believes that saying otherwise changes what happened.
The adult is being dishonest, and s/he is lying. The adult knows McDonald's is open, and s/he is also attempting to convince the child of something that is untrue.
Parents often find "white lies" (lies of convenience, in my opinion) acceptable, but rarely take into account their children's cognitive development before condemning the child as a liar, liar with pants on fire.
With my littles, I've found asking, "Is this true, or pretend? Is this true and what really happened, or do you want it to be true?" helpful. I also don't freak out (anymore) if my three year old insists he didn't draw on the wall with marker while sporting marks on his hand (and face, and shirt) and is still holding a marker that matches the color on the walls. I simply point out the evidence contrary to his assertion and tell him that even if he wishes he hadn't drawn on the wall, Mommy knows what he did. And when we make messes, we clean them up. I then hand him appropriate cleaning supplies and supervise his clean up, assisting if necessary. (I also confiscate the markers! If we can't keep the markers on paper, we don't have the markers for a while.)
There is no shaming and accusing. I do express dismay at the mess and gratitude toward being responsible and cleaning up, but I don't harangue or get angry that my child had the audacity to deliberately destroy property and then tell me a bald-faced lie. That's not what happened.
My child made an impulsive choice (because he's three and lacks impulse control). He doesn't understand cause and effect, so he has no concept of the potential damage markers can cause to antique wood finishes or wallpaper. He believes words are magic and that by saying he didn't draw, the marks will magically disappear. That is his reality. That is truth as he knows it.
My job, then, is to teach him about reality. Shaming isn't teaching. Punishment isn't teaching. Modeling and explaining are teaching. Enforcing rules (you make a mess, you clean it up) is teaching. What's more, I am being truthful in my teaching by not over-reacting in order to "scare" him into making better decisions "next time."
I am also being truthful by not saying, "Oh, that's ok, sweetie. Just don't do it again." It's not ok, but it's not a travesty worthy of a mommy-meltdown, either.
In closing, we as parents need to be careful to consistently model both honesty and truthfulness. We also must take care to remember things from a child's perspective are very different from our adult perspectives. A child's truth (or reality) is much different than what we adults know as truth (or reality). It's much easier to graciously correct your child's behavior once you're aware their choices are based on an alternate reality.
Truth v. Lies
We all strive to model and teach honesty to our children. And while most of us consider ourselves basically truthful, it is very easy to let the "little white lies" infiltrate our interactions with our kids. Using "Because I said so," instead of admitting we don't have a good reason not to allow a particular activity; telling little ones there is no more (candy, cheese, whatever) instead of using the moment to explain why we limit certain things; trying to convince youngsters that a favorite place (Chuck E. Cheese, McDonald's, the library) is closed, instead of explaining why visiting certain places isn't an everyday occurrence.
On the other hand, I've seen parents go absolutely ballistic if their potty-training two-year-old says, "I didn't peeeeeeee!" while simultaneously sporting a large wet spot on their pants.
In my mind there's a huge difference. And it's not that the parents' behavior is acceptable and the toddler is being deliberately deceptive. Quite the opposite, in fact.
In cognitive development, children go through various views of reality. This is not the world as we adults know it. It is the world through the child's perception. It is the child's reality.
For instance, infants know only their own comfort and discomfort, but they lack the ability to soothe and care for themselves. Infants cry not because they are sinful or manipulative (yes, that was the viewpoint I was taught and even believed in my early years as a parent), but because they are communicating their needs the only way they can.
Once language is introduced, toddlers are fascinated with their communication skills. They believe "words are magic" and can make things happen. This is one reason toddlers have meltdowns when they can't communicate well. Not only are they frustrated they aren't understood, they are also frustrated that the "magic" isn't working!
This "words are magic" stage lasts until almost age five, at which point the child has assimilated enough information to understand that s/he can't change everything by speaking it into or out of existence. Age five marks the beginning of logic and a grasp of cause and effect, which, coincidentally, is also the age most children start school in this country.
So, when a two-year-old insists, "I didn't pee!" it is because s/he believes saying it makes it true.
When an adult says, "McDonald's is closed." (when, in fact, it isn't), the adult is deliberately trying to deceive a child.
The child is being dishonest, but s/he isn't being untruthful. The child knows s/he wet his/her pants, but the child also believes that saying otherwise changes what happened.
The adult is being dishonest, and s/he is lying. The adult knows McDonald's is open, and s/he is also attempting to convince the child of something that is untrue.
Parents often find "white lies" (lies of convenience, in my opinion) acceptable, but rarely take into account their children's cognitive development before condemning the child as a liar, liar with pants on fire.
With my littles, I've found asking, "Is this true, or pretend? Is this true and what really happened, or do you want it to be true?" helpful. I also don't freak out (anymore) if my three year old insists he didn't draw on the wall with marker while sporting marks on his hand (and face, and shirt) and is still holding a marker that matches the color on the walls. I simply point out the evidence contrary to his assertion and tell him that even if he wishes he hadn't drawn on the wall, Mommy knows what he did. And when we make messes, we clean them up. I then hand him appropriate cleaning supplies and supervise his clean up, assisting if necessary. (I also confiscate the markers! If we can't keep the markers on paper, we don't have the markers for a while.)
There is no shaming and accusing. I do express dismay at the mess and gratitude toward being responsible and cleaning up, but I don't harangue or get angry that my child had the audacity to deliberately destroy property and then tell me a bald-faced lie. That's not what happened.
My child made an impulsive choice (because he's three and lacks impulse control). He doesn't understand cause and effect, so he has no concept of the potential damage markers can cause to antique wood finishes or wallpaper. He believes words are magic and that by saying he didn't draw, the marks will magically disappear. That is his reality. That is truth as he knows it.
My job, then, is to teach him about reality. Shaming isn't teaching. Punishment isn't teaching. Modeling and explaining are teaching. Enforcing rules (you make a mess, you clean it up) is teaching. What's more, I am being truthful in my teaching by not over-reacting in order to "scare" him into making better decisions "next time."
I am also being truthful by not saying, "Oh, that's ok, sweetie. Just don't do it again." It's not ok, but it's not a travesty worthy of a mommy-meltdown, either.
In closing, we as parents need to be careful to consistently model both honesty and truthfulness. We also must take care to remember things from a child's perspective are very different from our adult perspectives. A child's truth (or reality) is much different than what we adults know as truth (or reality). It's much easier to graciously correct your child's behavior once you're aware their choices are based on an alternate reality.
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